Jokes and stuff

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"Life is a flowing river; you can never step into the same river twice because the waters are always flowing"

 -- Heraclitus

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“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

― George Carlin

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There is no great loss without some small gain.

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“Books are lighthouses erected in the great sea of time” ~ Edwin P. Whipple

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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

-- Mark Twain

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“Sometimes you wake up from a dream. Sometimes you wake up in a dream. And sometimes, every once in a while, you wake up in someone else's dream. ”


― Richelle Mead, Succubus Blues

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What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes?

You can't venom all.

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What is the difference between a miser and a canary?

One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.

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I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.

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"If you tell the truth, then you don't have to have a good memory"

— Judy Sheindlin

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“Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?”

― Steven Wright

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“When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.”

― Steven Wright

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"I guess that’s all forever is...Just one long trail of nows. And I guess all you can do is try and live one now at a time without getting too worked up about the last now or the next now."

— Nicholas Evans (The Horse Whisperer)

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"There is a lot of folklore about equestrian statues, especially the ones with riders on them. There is said to be a code in the number and placement of the horse's hooves: If one of the horse's hooves is in the air, the rider was wounded in battle; two legs in the air means that the rider was killed in battle; three legs in the air indicates that the rider got lost on the way to the battle; and four legs in the air means that the sculptor was very, very clever. Five legs in the air means that there's probably at least one other horse standing behind the horse you're looking at; and the rider lying on the ground with his horse lying on top of him with all four legs in the air means that the rider was either a very incompetent horseman or owned a very bad-tempered horse."

— Terry Pratchett (I Shall Wear Midnight (Discworld, #38)

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SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it.

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How do you make a purple monkey?

Cross a red monkey with a blue one!

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What happened to the man who crossed a Lego set with a snake?

He got a boa constructor!

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