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I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
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“Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”
― Steven Wright
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“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates...
When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”
― Steven Wright
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“A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.”
― Ludwig Wittgenstein
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“The limits of my language means the limits of my world.”
― Ludwig Wittgenstein
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“Our doubts are traitors,
and make us lose the good we oft might win,
by fearing to attempt.”
― William Shakespeare
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What's the biggest room in the world?
The room for improvement.
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A man credits Justin Bieber with helping him wake up from a coma after two years. The nurse put on Bieber's song, "Baby," and the man had to wake up to turn it off.
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How do you make a buffalo stew?
Keep it waiting for an hour!
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Why did the boy keep oiling the rat?
Because it wouldn’t stop squeaking!
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The twisted tree lives a full life, while the straight tree ends up as boards.
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“If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?”
― Jerry Seinfeld
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“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
― Winston S. Churchill
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