Jokes and stuff

.
.
.
(^_^) - Pay Attention To These Signs - You Might Be Getting Older

You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

You begin every other sentence with, 'Nowadays...'

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You know what the word 'equity' means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You talk about 'good grass' and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for The Weather Channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

============

Why are leopards so bad at hide and seek?

They are always spotted!

====================

How do you begin a bear race?

Ready, teddy, go!

==========

What do you call a train loaded with toffee?

A chew chew train.

=========

"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to treat everything as if it were a nail."

 -Abraham Maslow

========

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”

― Emerson

=========

Unsolicited advice is usually unwelcome.

=======

"Peace begins with a smile.."

— Mother Teresa

===========

"Happiness is not the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with them."

— Steve Maraboli

=========

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”

― Narcotics Anonymous

=======

Where does Dracula water ski?

Lake Erie.

=========
Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them

To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.

To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”

― C.. Larson, Your Forces and How to Use Them

=========

"Be a rainbow in someone else's cloud."

— Maya Angelou
.
.
.
.