Jokes and stuff

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I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

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In some places fog will never be mist.

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Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

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"The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read."

— Mark Twain

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"Stories you read when you're the right age never quite leave you. You may forget who wrote them or what the story was called. Sometimes you'll forget precisely what happened, but if a story touches you it will stay with you, haunting the places in your mind that you rarely ever visit."

— Neil Gaiman (M is for Magic)

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What do porcupines like to eat?

Prickled cucumber!

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What happened to the leopard that stayed in the bath for a month?

It came out spotless!

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Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Convex.
Convex who?
Convex should be in prison!

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Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry… I need to use the restroom!

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Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know what’s taking you so long!

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Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

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Nature and books belong to the eyes that see them.  ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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“Real luxury is time and opportunity to read for pleasure”

 Jane Brody

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Vampire of My Youth

You stole my blood
You ruined my dress
You punctured my skin
With your selfish caress

You pulled me down
Into your grave
You took my will
Made me your slave

You know so much
You are so strong
You think you won
You are so wrong

Eros Ashima

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"Existence has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long."

- Rorschach, The Watchmen

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“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear, and the blind can read”

 Mark Twain  (American Humorist, Writer and Lecturer. 1835-1910)

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You come into this world screaming, naked, and covered with blood. With any luck, things get better.

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