Jokes and stuff

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Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings.

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Handsome
Handsome who?
Handsome one the key so they can open the door!

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“Houseework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.”

― Laurie Halse Anderson

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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
 A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.

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“It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.”

― Yogi Berra

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“Things to do today:

1) Breathe in.

2) Breathe out.”

― Ned Vizzini

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Knock knock.
Who's there?
Canoe
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with this door?

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Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Peas.
Peas who?
Peas open the door and let me in.

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“How is it possible to have a civil war?”

― George Carlin

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“What an astonishing thing a book is. It's a flat object made from a tree with flexible parts on which are imprinted lots of funny dark squiggles. But one glance at it and you're inside the mind of another person, maybe somebody dead for thousands of years. Across the millennia, an author is speaking clearly and silently inside your head, directly to you. Writing is perhaps the greatest of human inventions, binding together people who never knew each other, citizens of distant epochs. Books break the shackles of time. A book is proof that humans are capable of working magic."

[Cosmos, Part 11: The Persistence of Memory (1980)]”

― Carl Sagan, Cosmos

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Question: What happened when Santa got a parking ticket on his sleigh?

Answer: He got Mistle-towed!

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“I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny, but we can have lots of good fun that is funny.”

― Dr. Seuss, The Cat in the Hat

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Question: What is the fear of Santa Claus called?

Answer: Claus-trophobia!

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Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Answer: Snowflakes!

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Question: What kind of candle burns longer , a red candle or a green candle?

Neither, candles burn shorter.

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Question: How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

Answer: Nothing, it was on the house!

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A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

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"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"

— Dr. Seuss

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“Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Airman's Odyssey

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"Live in the present, remember the past, and fear not the future, for it doesn't exist and never shall. There is only now."

— Christopher Paolini

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What did the snake say when the teacher asked him a question?

Don't asp me!

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What’s the name for a group of lions taking it in turns to use a copy machine?
Copy cats!

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