Jokes and stuff

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What did the dog get when it swallowed the watch?

Ticks!

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A french fry walks into a bar.

"Sorry," says the bartender, "we don't serve food here."

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“We have enough youth—how about a fountain of smart?”

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“I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.”

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What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?

A mini-van.

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Question: Why did Santa run around his bed on Christmas morning?

Answer: To catch up on his sleep!

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Question: Why did the snowman name his dog Frost?

Answer: Because Frost bites!

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Question: Where do the three wise men get their robes tailored?

Answer: Bethle-HEM!

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Question: Why is Santa so good at karate?

Answer: Because he has a black belt!

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Question: What do you get when you cross a peanut with a duck?

Answer: A nut quacker.

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Question: What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Answer: Subordinate Clauses.

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Question: What did the spider want for Christmas?

Answer: A web-site!

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Question: Why did the thermometer break?

Answer: The temperature dropped!

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Question: What does Santa Claus plant in his garden?

Answer: Christmas bulbs!

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Question: Where do sheep buy their Christmas presents?

Answer: At Wool-Mart!

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Question: Why was the computer quiet on Christmas Eve?

Answer: Because, not a creature was stirring… not even a mouse!

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“What you call your personality, you know? --it's not like actual bones, or teeth, something solid. It's more like a flame. A flame can be upright, and a flame can flicker in the wind, a flame can be extinguished so there's no sign of it, like it had never been. ”

― Joyce Carol Oates, I Am No One You Know

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“Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.”

― Lewis Carroll

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“What an astonishing thing a book is. It's a flat object made from a tree with flexible parts on which are imprinted lots of funny dark squiggles. But one glance at it and you're inside the mind of another person, maybe somebody dead for thousands of years. Across the millennia, an author is speaking clearly and silently inside your head, directly to you. Writing is perhaps the greatest of human inventions, binding together people who never knew each other, citizens of distant epochs. Books break the shackles of time. A book is proof that humans are capable of working magic."

[Cosmos, Part 11: The Persistence of Memory (1980)]”

― Carl Sagan, Cosmos

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