Sunday, January 31, 2016

.George Carlin's Philosophy Class

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(*_*) - George Carlin's Philosophy Class

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
33. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
34. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
38. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
39. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
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Joke of the Day ....

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A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, `I'll give each of you just one wish.'

`Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.

`I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

`Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.

`I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

`OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, `I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


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Saturday, January 30, 2016

Joke of the Day ...

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All the bugs organized a big party. The snowy weather did not dampen their spirits. All the bugs arrive but one. Where's centipede?


Finally, the centipede arrives after a couple of hours.


When the host looked at him inquiringly he explained, "There was a 'Please wipe your feet' sign over the doormat." .


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Quote of the Day ...

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It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. 
~Henry David Thoreau


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Friday, January 29, 2016

Joke of the Day ...

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(^_^) - Crackerjack Service Department..



It takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; that's reassurance for us passengers


After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a `gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.


The mechanics correct the problems, and document their repairs on the form,


Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.


Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit



P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.



P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search



P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.



And the best one for last


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget



By the way, UPS is the only major airline carrier that has never, ever, had an accident....
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You might be a redneck ? ...

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A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with sexual interaction with a male counterpart.

To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this, and I mean no one." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."
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Thursday, January 28, 2016

Jokes of the Day ....

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All the kids get an assignment to write during a class: "What would I do if I were a principal."


Only little Carrie isn’t writing anything.


Teacher: "Carrie, why aren’t you writing?"


Carrie: "I’m waiting for the secretary so I could dictate it!"


===============


"Mom, how was I born?"


"A stork brought you."


"How about dad?"


"Him too."


"And grandparents?"


"And all the grandparents."


Later that evening, little Matthew is writing in his diary: "In the past 60 years, not a single natural birth occurred in this family."


===============


A man comes to the barber shop.


Customer: "Okay, I want you to cut it all at the top, but leave it uneven on the sides. Also make one sideburn longer than the other. Also make small holes on the back of my head."


Barber: "I’m not sure if I’ll know to make a haircut like that."


Customer: "Well, you sure knew how to cut it like that the last time."
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Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Another Joke of the Day ...

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There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was.

The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent.

The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush.

One of the judges proceeded to release a small black fly and let it buzz around the stage.

With the flick of his wrist and faster than you can blink the fly hit the ground in two pieces.

The audience bursts into applause as the swordsman steps back.

Next is the second swordsmans turn and he faces the same challenge.

The fly is is released and in two swift motions he cuts the fly into four pieces.

The audience is even more impressed and gives the man a standing ovation.

Finally the third swordsman takes the spotlight and another fly is released onto the stage.

The swordsman takes one quick swish at the fly but it continues to fly around the stage.

The audience is dumbstruck.

Finally someone from the audience speaks up: "sir... The fly is still alive."

"Ah, si" replies the swordsman "but he will never be a father"


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Joke of the Day ...

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A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre .



After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.



However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas


When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied,



'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings



'I had no Monet



To buy Degas



To make the Van Gogh



See if you have De Gaulle to tell this joke to someone else....

I told it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.


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Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Jokes of the Day ...

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What do ghosts wear around their neck to look smart?


Boo! Ties!
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 Where do ghosts get their hair done for Halloween?


At the scare-dresser!
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What happened to the man who crossed a cow with a rooster?


He got an animal that mooed at the crack of dawn!
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“What did you learn in Chemistry today?”
 “Today we learned about explosive substances!”
 “That’s nice. And what will they teach you at school tomorrow?”
“What school?”


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Monday, January 25, 2016

Joke of the Day ....

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A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.

'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'

The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'

The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'

The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.'


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Dr Phil Advice of the Day ...

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(^_^) - Dr. Phil

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines, and a box of Godiva Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
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Sunday, January 24, 2016

Then and Now ....

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What snowstorm preparation was like in the 1970s:

Hear on the 6 `o' clock news that there will be snow the day after tomorrow. "Some accumulation," the weatherman says. He talks about the snow for less than 30 seconds. Continue eating your Hamburger Helper.

Go to the A&P in the morning and casually get some milk, a loaf of Wonderbread and some Velveeta.

Check the shed to make sure the big red snow shovel's still there and that the kids haven't used it to build a fort in the vacant lot down the street where they like to play unattended for hours with all other neighborhood kids after school. It's there. The end.

Put the chains on the car tires, make a pot of soup and a batch of Chex Mix and pour yourself a drink. You are done.

If it snows more than a foot overnight, school will be canceled. You will just somehow know that there is no school because you will use your common sense. There MIGHT be a phone tree. Keyword is MIGHT.

Snow Day!! This means you can bundle the children within an inch of their lives and send them outside in whiteout conditions and 20 below temps FOR THE REST OF THE DAY while you stay inside, watch "As the World Turns," smoke Eves, do your nails and wait for the snow plow.

Throw salt all over the front steps. Boil some water and stir up a few packets of Swiss Miss hot chocolate for when the kids come back in.

Looks like you're going to get two feet of snow with this one. Oh well. Stick your head out the screen door and take a couple Polaroids of the kids' snowman they built since you forgot to buy film and flashbulbs for the Kodak Ektralite. Too much of a pain to take the pictures to the Fotomat to get developed, and who wants to see a bunch of pictures of snow anyway? It snows ALL WINTER LONG. Big deal.

Ask some neighborhood teens to shovel your driveway for you. They gladly do this in exchange for grilled cheese sandwiches.

If the electricity goes out, pile extra afghans on the beds and put all the food from the fridge outside on the back porch. It'll keep just fine in these temperatures and the electric will be back on in a couple days. Nothing to worry over. There's always the kerosene heater and the fireplace or the coal furnace in the cellar.

Snow is now piled to the eaves of the house. There will be school tomorrow.

Let the kids go sledding at night after dinner. Have an Irish Coffee. Go to bed early.
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What snowstorm preparation is like in 2016:

Get a news alert on your smartphone that in ten days the blizzard of the Millennium is going to strike. Turn on 24 hour cable news immediately for round the clock coverage.

Look for constant updates on WINTER STORM CHIONE. Look to see what everyone is posting on Facebook about it. Pretend you know how to pronounce Chione.

Three days before the storm is supposed to hit the governor will declare a State of Emergency. It's 70 degrees and sunny out.

Rush to Whole Foods and buy $756.00 worth of healthy junk food. You cannot weather a blizzard like this without hemp seed ghost pepper non-GMO tortilla chips, and the kids won't survive without vegan, fruit sweetened gummies.

Charge all devices. This includes the five Kindles you own, two tablets, three smartphones, the laptop, and your fancy toothbrushes.

Check to see if Anderson Cooper is wearing his casual clothes and if he has gone outside. If Anderson Cooper is broadcasting from outside, you are basically screwed.

Yup. We're all going to die.

Brace yourselves. There are going to be a lot of Game of Thrones memes on social about this.

Snowmageddon is definitely happening. It is all over the Internet. School is now closed two days before it is supposed to snow. You know, to keep the children safe from all the people rushing to Target and fighting one another tooth and nail for the last loaf of Ezekiel bread, organic 2% milk, and cage-free Omega 3 eggs. Because if we're going to go off our Paleo diets for some French Toast, it should at least be whole freaking grain. (I think?) Whatever, screw it.

There is a sugar coating of very fine snow on your flagstone walkway leading up to your meticulously restored craftsman cottage. DO NOT GO OUTSIDE. It is dangerous in these conditions. Oh my God, it is 33 degrees. Screenshot the weather app from your phone and tweet it. #brrrr #freezingtodeath #winterstormchione

But wait!! At least you get to wear your Uggs! And your buffalo plaid!

Receive an automated call at 4 in the morning that school is canceled basically until the end of the month because of the winter storm's devastation.

Check Pinterest for educational snow day crafts and activities to keep the children engaged and learning. Do not let them outside to play in the inch of snow that just fell because OMG frostbite.

Take lots of pictures of the snow. Post to Instagram. The Amaro filter makes snow look like a photo from the Anthropologie catalog.

Post all the same pictures to Facebook too. Complain about how bored you are, but then hashtag your status #blessed.

Relent and let the kids outside. Bundle them up within an inch of their lives.

Forget that you didn't make them go pee first. Unbundle them and make them all go to the bathroom. Then rebundle them. By now an hour and a half has passed.

Only let them stay out long enough to get some good candid shots of them building a snowman, even though you are the one who actually built the snowman because you needed it to look just so. Do not let them go sledding because they could get traumatic head injuries. You have read enough stories online about accidents like that and how they could have easily been prevented by just keeping children inside attached to screens all day.

Is this hot chocolate fair trade? And oh my God, who can you hire to shovel this away? Does your landscaping company take care of snow removal? Because there's no way you can figure out the ethanol powered, cordless, half solar snowblower you bought on sale for $900.00 because it seemed like a good idea at the time.

There is at least four inches of snow. The electricity went out for five minutes. You have plowed through the bag of ghost pepper chips and you are sure the world is ending. Scroll through your phone looking for the best deals to Aruba this weekend.

The day after the storm hits, the meteorologists will apologize profusely that they said there'd 75 inches of snow and ice and 89 mile per hour winds, even though you got maybe five inches total when all was said and done and it melted overnight. Blame climate change. The forecast models are very unpredictable. Shrug.

Start packing for that Aruba trip you booked.


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Coulda Shoulda Woulda ....

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An old married couple is traveling by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room at a hotel.

But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked of the hotel out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.

Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the `standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed topay.

As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
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Joke of the Day ....

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(*_*) - The Fishing Trip

A man called home to his wife and said,
"Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.


The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.


The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box!


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Saturday, January 23, 2016

Joke of the Day ...

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A long time stoner decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons, nor prior experience.


He mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the stoner begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up his failing grip, the stoner attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.

Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over.

As his head is battered against the ground, he is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees his dilemma and unplugs the horse.


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Friday, January 22, 2016

Jokes of the Day ...

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(^_^) The Perfect Sermon

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p.m. he finally said to his wife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give a sermon about horseback riding!"

She said, "Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback riding!"

He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other subject I can think of." The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, "I can't believe that you're insisting on doing this! You know, If you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay in the car during the service."

He said, "OK, then, suit yourself!", so she stayed in the car. Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on S*X that just had the congregation in awe. As the congregation filed out of the church, some of he members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window. One of them said, "Wow! you just missed the best sermon your husband has EVER given!"

She said, "Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big but he's only tried it twice in his life! "Once before we were married and once after, and he fell off both times!"


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(^_^) - Business Trip

A man was traveling north to Dallas. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into a stall. He sits down and was surprised to hear someone in the next stall say, "So how ya doing?"

The man gulps and thinks about what he should say and then decides to answer. So he clears his throat and says, "uh....I'm fine."

Then the stranger in the next stall says, "So where are you headed?"

Again the man, a little nervous answers, "Uh...I'm headin north to Dallas."

Then the stranger asked, "So what have you been up to?"

Again the man answers, "Not much, I'm actually on a business trip."

The man sat there waiting for another question when finally he heard the stranger in the next stall impatiently say, "Look, I'm going to have to call you back, some idiot in the next stall thinks I'm talking to him."
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WHY ETHEL CHANGED MOTELS

Ethel checked into a Motel on her 65th Birthday, she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns .......

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is s*x. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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Thursday, January 21, 2016

Bonus Joke ..

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After nearly 40 years of marriage, Harvey was lying in bed one evening, when his wife felt
Harvey begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the
small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her

buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

To which he responded, "I found the remote."


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Joke of the Day ...

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This just about sums up my entire school experience ....
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The elementary class was learning about addition.

The teacher asks little Cindy, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"

Cindy thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."

The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully.

I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."

Cindy spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."

The teacher says, "Let's try it another way.

If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"

Cindy says, "Six."

The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"

Cindy again says, "Seven."

The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Cindy, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"

Cindy says, "Because...

I've already got a cat!"
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Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Look It Up ....

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A Panda walks into an expensive restaurant, gets seated by the host and looks at the menu.

He orders the most expensive items on the menu; Porterhouse, A bottle of Chateau Lafite and Black Truffle Cheesecake.

When the check comes, the Panda pulls out a handgun and shoots the waiter right between the eyes.

As the Panda is walking out the door, the manager stops him.

"What the heck do you think you are doing Panda," he says. "Not only are you skipping out on the check, but you SHOT my employee."

"It's ok sir," the Panda responds, "I'm a panda"

"You KILLED someone, you can't get away with this!" yells the manager.

"Don't be silly," says the Panda. "I'm a panda, look it up in the dictionary" And he casually walks out the door.

The manager, not knowing what to do with himself, grabs a dictionary and flips to P, finding "Panda":

panda. noun. Large mammal, indigenous to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
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Tuesday, January 19, 2016

One of my favorite jokes ever ...

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During Shabbat services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."


The Cantor looks at him, impressed with this show of humility, and kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."


Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this. He had never seen such spontaneous religious feeling , so he goes in the middle of the isle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says,  "Me too, before you oh Lord, I too am nothing."


The Rabbi nudges the Cantor. "Look who thinks he's nothing!"
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Joke of the Day ....

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(*_*) - King Arthur

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day...or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is....


If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly.
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Monday, January 18, 2016

Joke of the Day ...

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(^_^) - Traffic Court

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench.
"Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."

He smiled with delight.
"Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."


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Sunday, January 17, 2016

Must... Have... BABY! ....

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PCni9E3Xoc&feature=youtu.be


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Joke of the Day ...

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(^_^) - A Woman Knows

A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.

2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.

3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.

4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.

5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.

6. Don't discuss your problems with him.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. "You're going to die," she replied


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Saturday, January 16, 2016

Joke of the Day ...

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Ƹ*_*Ʒ. - The Diet

A woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

"No, from skipping."
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Friday, January 15, 2016

Simple advice ..

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You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


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Signs of the Times?

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My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEAR CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many dears are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

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My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
`Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'



STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote.......


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Joke of the Day ...

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(^_^) - The Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta love George.


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Thursday, January 14, 2016

Jokes of the Day .....

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Where do music teachers go on vacation?


Florida Keys!


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Where do pencils go on vacation?


Pennsylvania.


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Where do penguins go to dance?


The snow ball!


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Where do pigs learn about magic?


Hog-warts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!
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Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Joke of the Day ...

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Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by.

The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

The first old lady had a stroke.

Then the second old lady had a stroke.

But the third old lady . . . she couldn't reach that far.


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Thought of the Day ...

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╰♥.☆.♥╮
Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day.
~Author Unknown


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Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Jokes of the Day ...

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Where do you find the most vampires in New York?


The Vampire State Building!
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Where do you get microwaves?


Tiny beaches!
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 Doctor, doctor, I've a pain at the base of my back!


Let’s get to the bottom of this!
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Monday, January 11, 2016

Joke of the Day ...

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While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,"one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"

They agreed this is a good idea.

The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.

"The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."


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Sunday, January 10, 2016

Another Joke ...

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(^_^) - Nursing Home

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."


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Bonus Joke of the Day ....

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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you.

He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "

But, I did send them."

What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."


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WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!!

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PLEASE READ THIS WARNING -


DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!!

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!

IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. WARNING TO US ALL!!! Shampoo Warning!

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label this warning; "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved! If I don't post for awhile, I'll be in the shower!


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Joke of the Day ...

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Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there.

They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately,

they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time.

As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation.

"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

(For 95 points): Which tire?


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Saturday, January 9, 2016

Jokes of the Day ..

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Where’s the best area for catching flatfish?


Anywhere - there’s lots of plaices!
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Where’s the best place to enjoy Halloween?


Lake Eerie!
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Which animal is the best baseball player?


A bat!
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Which animals howl when trees are chopped down?


Timberrrr wolves!
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Friday, January 8, 2016

Jokes of the Day ..

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Who invented King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference!
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Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside!
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Which fish are known for their miracles?
Angelfish!
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Which fish can still get around when the water is frozen?
Skates!


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Joke of the Day ....

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(^_^) - Hair Dryer

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!
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Hunka Hunka Burning Love ....

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╰♥.☆.♥╮
Today in Elvis Presley History

1935 - Elvis Aaron Presley was born in Tupelo, Mississippi. His twin brother Jessie Garon was stillborn.

1946 - Elvis Presley received his first guitar from his parents.

1955 - Elvis Presley's third single "Milkcow Blues Boogie" was released.

1956 - Elvis Presley performed at The Louisiana Hayride. He also performed the previous day.

1957 - The Memphis Draft Board announced that Elvis Presley had been classified as A1 and that he would probably be drafted within the next six to eight months.

1959 - Dick Clark, host of American Bandstand, called Elvis in Germany to tell him that he had been voted most popular singer of the year and that his record "King Creole" was the most popular record of the year.

1965 - Hal Wallis agreed to change Elvis Presley's 1958 contract into a five-picture deal. The movies Elvis made under the contract were "Blue Hawaii", "Girls! Girls! Girls!", "Fun In Acapulco", "Roustabout" and "Paradise Hawaiian Style".

1981 - "Elvis Presley Day" was declared in Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Kansas, North & South Carolina, Pennsylvania and Virginia.

1993 - The U.S. Postal Service released a stamp of Elvis. The picture used was one of Elvis in the 1950's.

2004 - RCA Records and BMG Strategic Marketing Group with the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) announced that Elvis Presley had become the best selling solo artist in U.S. history.
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Thursday, January 7, 2016

Letter of the Day ...

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Report Card

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.

Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters " PTO".

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet over and read:

PS:

Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.

I love you!

Your loving daughter,
Rosie


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Thoughts of the Day ...

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(*_*) - Some of Life's Reflections

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
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Joke of the Day ...

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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh , I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


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Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Great Photo Essay of the Day ...

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http://www.boredpanda.com/101-project/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=BPFacebook


Which one is most like you?


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Joke of the Day ...

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An overweight man was standing on the scale weighing himself when his wife came by and said,

"It doesn't do any good to suck your stomach in like that".

He told her, "It does if you if you want to see those numbers."


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Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Jokes of the Day ..

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Why did dragons sleep through the day?
So they could fight knights!
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Why did the frog stop jumping?
It was un-hoppy!
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Why do vampire films have such large a cast?
For all the bit parts!
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Why are goldfish orange?
They got rusty!
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Why are leopards so bad at hide and seek?
They are always spotted!


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Monday, January 4, 2016

Jokes of the Day ...

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What happened to the man who crossed Darth Vader and a frog?
He got Star Warts!
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Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling well!
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Why did the bird go to the gift shop?
Because he wanted a tweet!
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Why did the boy keep oiling the rat?
Because it wouldn’t stop squeaking!
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Sunday, January 3, 2016

Are you too chicken to read these jokes?

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Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?


He was a dirty double crosser!
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Why did the chicken, the turkey, the duck, and the goose all cross the road?


For some fowl reason!
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Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm?


It was an early bird!
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Thoughts to ponder upon ...

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(^_^) - Think About It

I had amnesia once - or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.


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Saturday, January 2, 2016

Songs of the Day ...

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsgXbSUMzR4


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_f16t1JGHo


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMVvRImExKc


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txcRQedoEyY


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QslV5asj_yM


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1Ufc2hI4FM


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uqBTzfcIk4


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_raXzIRgsA


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIVe-rZBcm4


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHfB63ln1Ig


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1l0xpkk0yaQ


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Q7Vr3yQYWQ


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRKNw477onU


RETRO!!!!


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Jokes of the Day ...

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Why did the hen go halfway across the road and stop?


She wanted to lay it on the line!
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Why did the igloo not have a couch?


So polar bears couldn’t hide behind it!
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Why did the chicken cross the beach?


To get to the other tide!
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Why did the chicken cross the clothing store?


To get to the other size!
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Why did the chicken cross the playground?


To get to the other slide!


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Friday, January 1, 2016

Jokes of the Day ...

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!




Why did the skeleton stop going to soccer practice?
His heart wasn’t in it!
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Why didn’t dinosaurs have police?
They couldn’t fit in the uniforms!
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Why did the teacher draw on the window?
Because she wanted her lesson to be completely clear!
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What happened to the man who crossed chickens with a railway?
He invented eggs-press trains!


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