Sookie's Birthday Surprise: March 2020

Tuesday, March 31, 2020

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Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting cow wh-

MOO!

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Why did the chicken cross the play ground?

To get to the other slide.

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Teacher: “Brodie, can you tell me one flying mammal?”

Brodie: “Yes, a pilot!”

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A man goes to the barber shop. He says, “Okay, I want you to cut it all at the top, but leave it uneven on the sides. Also make one sideburn longer than the other. Also make small holes on the back of my head.”

Barber: “I’m not sure if I’ll know to do a haircut like that.”

Customer: “Well, you knew how to do it the last time.”

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How do you recognize a poisonous mushroom?

By stomach cramps and possibly death.

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Some people are like wine — the older they are, the more they look like a barrel.

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An abacus is man’s best friend — you can always count on it.

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If a building has five stories, and each story has 20 steps, how many steps do you need to climb to get to the top floor?”

“All of them.”

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"Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?"

-Abraham Lincoln
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An interesting experiment

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An interesting experiment-

A group of test subjects were divided into two groups. They were given a list of words and told to include them in sentences.
One group got neutral words like "drive, car, road, store". The other group got words like " wrinkles, nursing home, cane, medicine".

After the test the participants were told that the closer elevator was broken, they needed to use the elevator at the far end of the hall. The group that got the age related words took longer to walk down the hall to the elevator.

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Kindle

Nook Audio

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https://www.nookaudiobooks.com/audiobook/103073/all-dressed-in-white

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Monday, March 30, 2020

Kindle

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The Varieties of Religious Experience

https://www.amazon.com/Varieties-Religious-Experience-William-James-ebook/dp/B00TEPP9IK/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_26?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=Q26ZC8T9R880798MXGF7

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Jokes of the day

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(^_^) - Hearing Aid

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you.

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What did the fish say when he ran into a concrete wall?

Dam.

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Laughter is wine for the soul - laughter soft, or loud and deep, tinged through with seriousness - the hilarious declaration made by man that life is worth living.

Seán O'Casey

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Cautionary ...

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Story of the day

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Let go of your Stresses!

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the "half empty or half full" question.

Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: "How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

She continued, "The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed - incapable of doing anything."

It's important to remember to let go of your stresses. As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night. Remember to put the glass down!
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Kindle

Nook Audio

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https://www.nookaudiobooks.com/audiobook/280687/think-like-amazon

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Sunday, March 29, 2020

Kindle

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History: Canadian History in 50 Events

https://www.amazon.com/History-Canadian-Settlement-Present-Dummies-ebook/dp/B014WIJYOI/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Crimean War: A History from Beginning to End

https://www.amazon.com/Crimean-War-History-Beginning-End-ebook/dp/B0868J7RDT/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

The Life of Charlemagne (Illustrated)

https://www.amazon.com/Life-Charlemagne-Illustrated-Karoli-Military-ebook/dp/B00V7C2FEE/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_30?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=2M3SSMHDKNHZX0SBVWJ2

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Jokes of the day

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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!

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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over!

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Why did the cop give a sheep a ticket?

She made an illegal ewe turn.

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Why did the boy take his bat to school?

His mom told him he'd better hit the books.

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Why was the lunch-room clock always behind?

Because it went back four seconds.

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"Sometimes, we just have to be happy with what people can offer us. Even if it's not what we want, at least it's something. "

— Sarah Dessen

"A library in the middle of a community is a cross between an emergency exit, a life-raft and a festival. They are cathedrals of the mind; hospitals of the soul; theme parks of the imagination. On a cold rainy island, they are the only sheltered public spaces where you are not a consumer, but a citizen instead"

— Caitlin Moran

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Nook Audio

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https://www.nookaudiobooks.com/audiobook/204298/promise-of-dawn-the

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Kindle

Saturday, March 28, 2020

Kindle

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Historic German and Austrian Beers for the Home Brewer

https://www.amazon.com/Historic-German-Austrian-Beers-Brewer-ebook/dp/B07B2JRZMD/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Visions and Beliefs in the West of Ireland

https://www.amazon.com/Visions-Beliefs-West-Ireland-Gregory-ebook/dp/B084L4VTQ4/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

The Fall of the Dynasties

https://www.amazon.com/Fall-Dynasties-Collapse-Order-1905-1922-ebook/dp/B086BX9MBM/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_62?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=PYMQABAATDWX18M4PAKX

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Jokes of the day

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When the teacher asked the class to write the longest sentence they could think of, one bright student wrote, “Life in Prison.”

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What school supply is the king of the classroom?

The ruler

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Meandthespacebarhadanargumentandnowwearenttalking.

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You can learn a lot about paranoid people just by following them around

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Ad of the times - Single man with Lysol and Purell seeking single woman with toilet paper for good clean fun.

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Technically

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Kindle

Nook Audio

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https://www.nookaudiobooks.com/audiobook/109057/red-team

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Friday, March 27, 2020

More jokes because we need 'em!

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Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."

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My house got toilet papered last night. Now it's appraised at $875,000.

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You know the drill .....if you're smiling, you must pass it on, give someone else a smile too! Share the laughter.

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B&N FREE FRIDAY

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https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-good-spy-jeffrey-layton/1121998219?ean=9780786037148

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Free Nook Books

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This is a constantly updating list of free Nook Books. The categories are on the left side of the page.

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/b/nook-books/free-ebooks/_/N-8qaZry0

Thoughts and words

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A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered.

--Proverbs 17:27

Look at the word blame. It's just a coincidence that the last two words spell the word me. But that coincidence is worth thinking about.

--Arthur Freeman

I will be free, even to the uttermost, as I please, in words.

--William Shakespeare The Taming of the Shrew.

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.

--Mother Teresa

Kind words do not cost much. They never blister the tongue or lips. They make other people good-natured. They also produce their own image on men's souls, and a beautiful image it is.

--Blaise Pascal (1623-1662)

The Gettysburg Address has 272 words. A bag of Lay's potato chips has 401 words.

--Unknown

Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.

--Sam Levenson (1911 - 1980) Humorist

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Drive with caution ..

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Jokes of the day

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Why don't dogs make good dancers?

Because they have two left feet!

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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang!

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There were two cows in a field. The first cow said moo" and the second cow said "baaaa."

The first cow asked the second cow, "Why did you say baaaa?"

The second cow said, "I’m learning a foreign language."

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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent, the deer didn’t have a buck so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.

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Nook Audio

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https://www.nookaudiobooks.com/audiobook/203774/conspiracy-of-silence

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Kindle

Thursday, March 26, 2020

Jokes of the day

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Q. What is a vampires favorite holiday?

A. Fangsgiving

Q. How does a girl vampire flirt?

A. She bats her eyes.

Q. Which building does Dracula visit in New York?

A. The Vampire State Building.

Q. Why do vampires scare people?

A. They are bored to death!

Q. How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?

A. Every night he turns into a bat.

Q. What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?

A. It’s a pain in the neck.

Q. How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?

A. All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

Q. What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?

A. A grave problem.

Q. Why are vampires like false teeth?

A. They all come out at night.

Q. What type of dog does every vampire have?

A. Bloodhound!

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Never talk defeat. Use words like hope, belief, faith, victory.

--Norman Vincent Peale Positive Thinking Every Day

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Nook Audio

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https://www.nookaudiobooks.com/audiobook/239633/ai-superpowers

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Kindle

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A Testament to Murder: A 1920s murder mystery to keep you guessing until the final page (Murder Will Follow Book 1)

https://www.amazon.com/Testament-Murder-murder-mystery-guessing-ebook/dp/B07L8VYGFR/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

March Street Murder (March Street Cozy Mysteries Book 1)

https://www.amazon.com/March-Street-Murder-Cozy-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B082LMDB3B/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Wuthering Heights

https://www.amazon.com/Wuthering-Heights-Emily-Bront%C3%AB-ebook/dp/B0868V8HV8/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?keywords=wuthering+heights+The+griffin+classics+%28March+22%2C+2020%29&qid=1585221325&s=digital-text&sr=1-1-fkmr0&swrs=697E408ADB72FD6FE66380EB7556203A

Inspector Rocke: That'll Be The Day.........That I Die (The Inspector Rocke Mysteries Book 1)

https://www.amazon.com/Inspector-Rocke-Thatll-That-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B01MSCUQ8U/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Inspector+Rocke%3A+That%27ll+Be+The+Day.........That+I+Die+%28The+Inspector+Rocke+Mysteries+Book+1%29&qid=1585221657&s=digital-text&sr=1-1

Girl, Taken - A True Story of Abduction, Captivity, and Survival

https://www.amazon.com/Girl-Taken-Abduction-Captivity-Survival-ebook/dp/B075GJF46F/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_98?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=7E5KJB99C93JWS4PV0ZP

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Wednesday, March 25, 2020

Kindle

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Overcoming Autoimmune: Uncovering two hidden causes of chronic illness and how to heal 100% naturally. (Natural Health Warriors Book 1)

https://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Autoimmune-Uncovering-naturally-Warriors-ebook/dp/B084H5GNBN/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

River of Blood: Book 4 of the Shiloh Series

https://www.amazon.com/River-Blood-Book-4-Shiloh-ebook/dp/B00Y2Y54O2/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Iuka to Corinth (Shiloh Series Book 3)

https://www.amazon.com/Iuka-Corinth-Shiloh-Book-3-ebook/dp/B00J2I10BY/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

A Certain Death (Shiloh Series Book 2)

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BMZEMME?notRedirectToSDP=1&ref_=dbs_mng_calw_1&storeType=ebooks

They Met At Shiloh: a Civil War Novel (Shiloh Series Book 1)

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005FCAIDW?notRedirectToSDP=1&ref_=dbs_mng_calw_0&storeType=ebooks

Rewiring Tinnitus: How I Finally Found Relief From the Ringing in My Ears

https://www.amazon.com/Rewiring-Tinnitus-Finally-Relief-Ringing-ebook/dp/B01MYYV43E/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

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Joke of the day

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(*_*) - Graduation Speech

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech.

He began by reading from his prepared text.

'I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.'

At this point he seemed to struggle for words.

After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said,

'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting.'

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Nook Audio

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https://www.nookaudiobooks.com/audiobook/96435/them-bones

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