I was feeling a little empty when True Blood was over. I have read all the Charlaine Harris books numerous times and I realized that I could have a little fun with Sookie, Bill, Eric and Pam if I just wrote them into a story.
Teacher: “Brodie, can you tell me one flying mammal?”
Brodie: “Yes, a pilot!”
A man goes to the barber shop. He says, “Okay, I want you to cut it all at the top, but leave it uneven on the sides. Also make one sideburn longer than the other. Also make small holes on the back of my head.”
Barber: “I’m not sure if I’ll know to do a haircut like that.”
Customer: “Well, you knew how to do it the last time.”
How do you recognize a poisonous mushroom?
By stomach cramps and possibly death.
Some people are like wine — the older they are, the more they look like a barrel.
An abacus is man’s best friend — you can always count on it.
If a building has five stories, and each story has 20 steps, how many steps do you need to climb to get to the top floor?”
“All of them.”
"Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?" -Abraham Lincoln
A group of test subjects were divided into two groups. They were given a list of words and told to include them in sentences.
One group got neutral words like "drive, car, road, store". The other group got words like " wrinkles, nursing home, cane, medicine".
After the test the participants were told that the closer elevator was broken, they needed to use the elevator at the far end of the hall. The group that got the age related words took longer to walk down the hall to the elevator.
A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the "half empty or half full" question.
Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: "How heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
She continued, "The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed - incapable of doing anything."
It's important to remember to let go of your stresses. As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night. Remember to put the glass down! .
. "Sometimes, we just have to be happy with what people can offer us. Even if it's not what we want, at least it's something. " — Sarah Dessen
"A library in the middle of a community is a cross between an emergency exit, a life-raft and a festival. They are cathedrals of the mind; hospitals of the soul; theme parks of the imagination. On a cold rainy island, they are the only sheltered public spaces where you are not a consumer, but a citizen instead" — Caitlin Moran
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
My house got toilet papered last night. Now it's appraised at $875,000.
You know the drill .....if you're smiling, you must pass it on, give someone else a smile too! Share the laughter.
. A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered. --Proverbs 17:27
Look at the word blame. It's just a coincidence that the last two words spell the word me. But that coincidence is worth thinking about. --Arthur Freeman
I will be free, even to the uttermost, as I please, in words. --William Shakespeare The Taming of the Shrew.
Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. --Mother Teresa
Kind words do not cost much. They never blister the tongue or lips. They make other people good-natured. They also produce their own image on men's souls, and a beautiful image it is. --Blaise Pascal (1623-1662)
The Gettysburg Address has 272 words. A bag of Lay's potato chips has 401 words. --Unknown
Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest. --Sam Levenson (1911 - 1980) Humorist
When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech.
He began by reading from his prepared text.
'I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.'
At this point he seemed to struggle for words.
After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said,
'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting.'