Sunday, February 7, 2016

Joke of the Day ...

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(^_^) - Abbot and Costello: Computer Shopping

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOT: No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might... what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was Go Back.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in ... Oh, never mind.
ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store: Can I help you?
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Saturday, February 6, 2016

Jokes of the Day ...

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Husband and wife are talking.


Husband: “Do you know that recent studies have shown that a woman uses 32,049 words in a day on average, whereas a man uses half that amount?”


Wife: “That is because we have to explain everything twice.”


Husband: “Sorry, did you say something?”
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A full figured lady comes to the doctor.


Lady: “Excuse me, doctor, how tall would I need to be for my weight to be ideal?”


Doctor: “You’d have to be around 15 feet tall.”


Lady: “There you go. Everyone keeps telling me I’m overweight when actually I’m just too short!”
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Friday, February 5, 2016

Jokes of the Day ...

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," the man replied.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians."
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
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Thursday, February 4, 2016

Mystery solved ...

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(*_*) - Walk on Water

All of his life George from Caribou, Maine had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.


On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake.
George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into George's eyes and said,
"Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."


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Joke of the Day ...

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One of my very favorites!


When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.

One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner)
that he was tired of speech-making.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room.

The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said,

"Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
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Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Joke of the Day ...

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A computer geek goes to hell. A couple days later devil calls St. Peter.


“What kind of man have you sent me? He broke all my cauldrons, jumped on all my demons, and now he’s running around screaming ‘Where’s the door for the next level?’"


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Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Today is ....

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GROUNDHOG DAY!!!


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