Friday, March 5, 2021

Poem I wrote

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SOD


He was contented in his little sod hut 

With his cats and books and tea

Until someone built a mansion next door

And the sunlight glittering off the swimming pool

Blinded him

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Jokes and stuff

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Knock knock! 

Who’s there? 

Somebody too short to ring the doorbell.

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Knock Knock! 

Who’s there? 

Alex! 

Alex who? 

Alex the questions round here!

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One minute you're staying up all night partying with your friends, then, in the blink of an eye, you're drinking water and taking it easy because you pulled a muscle putting on your socks.

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Why did the banana go to the doctor?

It was not peeling well.

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Knock Knock

Who's there?

Dishes.

Dishes Who?

You no know me? Dishes your friend!

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Knock Knock

Who's there?

Meow

Meow who?

Take meow to the ball game.

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. 

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? 

Someday my prints will come.

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What did the stamp say to the envelope? 

Stick with me and we will go places.

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Saturday, February 27, 2021

Jokes and stuff

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What do you call a cat between two buildings?
An alley cat
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Who is a copycat’s best friend?
A mockingbird
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Why did Mike’s mom feed him in the barn?
Because he ate like a horse
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Why is it good to have two heads?
Just in case you want to change your mind
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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
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How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.

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Thursday, February 18, 2021

Jokes and stuff

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What do you get when you mix a black dog with a white dog?
A greyhound
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Why was the cat scared of the tree?
Because of its bark
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What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look, I’m changing!
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What did the summer say to the spring?
Help, I’m going to fall!
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"Be a rainbow in someone else's cloud."
— Maya Angelou
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Sunday, February 14, 2021

Jokes and stuff

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A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
A question mark walks into a bar?
A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
Falling slowly, slowly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

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Saturday, February 13, 2021

Jokes and stuff

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The teacher asks Harry: "What is the closest, Australia or the moon?"
Harry, "The moon of course!"
Teacher, "Why do you think that?"
Harry, " You can see the moon from here, but not Australia!"
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A father asks his son, "So, did you like your first day of school?"
Son, "The first day?’ You mean I have to go back tomorrow?"
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Harry comes home from school and says proudly, " Mom I learned to write!"
Mom, "And what you write Harry?"
Harry, "I don't know, I haven't learned to read."
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The teacher asks Harry, " Harry, you have 14 potatoes and you have to give the same share to seven people, how do you do that?
Harry, "I would make mashed potatoes."

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Friday, February 12, 2021

Jokes and stuff

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Teacher: “Do you listen to your father or your mother more?”
Pupil: “My mother.”
Teacher: “Why?”
Pupil: “Because she talks more.”
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First shepherd: “How many sheep do you have?”
Second shepherd: “I have no idea! Whenever I start to count them, I fall asleep.”
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Two fishes are watching TV. The next show starts, a show on fishing.
The first fish says, “Oh no, they’re playing horror movies again!”
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Baby bear: “Someone has been eating my porridge!”
Daddy bear: “And someone has been eating my porridge!”
Mommy bear: “Wait you two, I haven’t made the porridge yet!”
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Two snails were wandering are slithering through the snow.
First snail, "Let's go pick some blackberries." -
Second snail, "It's winter, there aren't any blackberries." -
First snail "Yeah, but by the time we get to the bushes, it will be summer."
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Why did George Washington sleep standing up?
Because he couldn’t lie!
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Why did the doctor lose his temper?
Because he didn’t have any patients!
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I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
-Steven Wright
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