Jokes and stuff

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I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

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"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go."

~ Keith Urban ~

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How do apes open bananas?

They use mon-keys!

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What happened when a bunch of hares escaped from the petting zoo?

Police had to comb the area!

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“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”

― Mark Twain

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“When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles
and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...
...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle
bottle paddle battle.”

― Dr. Seuss, Fox in Socks

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"I don’t live in either my past or my future. I’m interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy person. Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we’re living now."

— Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

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What do you call a cow who gives no milk? A milk dud (or an udder failure).

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We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

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Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

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“A grandmother is someone that pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.”

― Erma Bombeck

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“It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

― Jerry Seinfeld

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One eye says to the other eye, "Between you and me, something smells."

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“While browsing in a second-hand bookshop one day, George Bernard Shaw was amused to find a copy of one of his own works which he himself had inscribed for a friend: "To ----, with esteem, George Bernard Shaw."

He immediately purchased the book and returned it to the friend with a second inscription: "With renewed esteem, George Bernard Shaw.”

― George Bernard Shaw

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“We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!”

― Graham Chapman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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“Nobody comes here anymore, its too crowded”

― Yogi Berra

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Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?

The outside.

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A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

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Why did the football player go to the bank?

To get his quarter back.

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Mama mouse and baby mouse are walking by a barn at twilight. The baby mouse looks up and sees a bat darting overhead.

"Look, Momma!" the baby mouse says, "An angel!"

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