Jokes and stuff

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Why do ambassadors never get sick?

Diplomatic immunity.

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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

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Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.

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I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day, but I couldn't find any.

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"Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric."

— Bertrand Russell

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"You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It won't happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life."

— Joel Osteen

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"Whatever you're meant to do, do it now. The conditions are always impossible."

— Doris Lessing

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“All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.”

― Steven Wright

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(*_*) - Words for the Wise

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled.

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What do you give an ill viper?

Asp-rin!

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Why are penguins cheap to keep?

They live on ice!

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