Jokes and stuff

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What has 2 wings and says moo?

A cow in a plane!

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Teacher: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

Pupil: Middle names!

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"History is important. If you don't know history it is as if you were born yesterday. And if you were born yesterday, anybody up there in a position of power can tell you anything, and you have no way of checking up on it."

— Howard Zinn

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"It will never rain roses: when we want to have more roses, we must plant more roses."

— George Eliot

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“I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.”

― Steven Wright

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"The only time you fail is when you fall down and stay down."

— Stephen Richards

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Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald.

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What do you call it when a walrus eats 500 clams?

A calamity.

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Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

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There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

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“Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them”

― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

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“In Ireland, you go to someone's house, and she asks you if you want a cup of tea. You say no, thank you, you're really just fine. She asks if you're sure. You say of course you're sure, really, you don't need a thing. Except they pronounce it ting. You don't need a ting. Well, she says then, I was going to get myself some anyway, so it would be no trouble. Ah, you say, well, if you were going to get yourself some, I wouldn't mind a spot of tea, at that, so long as it's no trouble and I can give you a hand in the kitchen. Then you go through the whole thing all over again until you both end up in the kitchen drinking tea and chatting.

In America, someone asks you if you want a cup of tea, you say no, and then you don't get any damned tea.

I liked the Irish way better.”

― C.E. Murphy

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“Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.”

― Scott Adams

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What do you call Santa's little helpers?

Subordinate clauses.

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Why was the borrowed money sad?

It was A LOAN

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What did Zero say to the Eight?

"Nice Belt!"

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“The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.”

― Terry Pratchett

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Did you hear about the mechanic who is addicted to brake fluid?

He says he can stop at any time

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Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings
from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out
past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline
ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and
then make such an obvious error, he replied:
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"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

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Q. Who invented algebra?

A. A Clever X-pert.

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