Jokes and stuff

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E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors

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A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

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"A bear walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and tonic." And the bartender says, "Sure, but what's with the big pause?"

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A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone..

'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, she's hitting the bottle.'

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An ascetic mystic walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him, a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

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To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!

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What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin?

One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.

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Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed?

He had low elf esteem

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“A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat.”

― Stephen Wright

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“When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?”

― Henry Rollins

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“I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.”

― Tina Fey

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“Nothing is so common as the desire to be remarkable.”

― William Shakespeare

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All generalizations are false.

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What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.

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Hyperbole - It's the BEST THING EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

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What is green and sings?

Elvis Parsley.

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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Because he had a hole in one.

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Why did the teacher wear sun glasses?

Because the students were very bright!

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