Jokes and stuff

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What happened to the man who crossed his dog with an elephant?

I can’t recall - but ask the elephant it will remember!

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Teacher: How do you get a higher education?

Pupil: Study on top of a mountain!

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“You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...”

― Steven Wright

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"Librarians consider free access to information the foundation of democracy."

— Marilyn Johnson

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"Dedication: For librarians and booksellers everywhere, who gather books and build shelters for tender souls."

— Tessa Dare

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Old printers never die, they're just not the type.

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The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.

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What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A Chopin Liszt.

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“Housework can kill you if done right.”

― Erma Bombeck

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“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.”

― Groucho Marx

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What did the shy pebble wish?

That she was a little bolder.

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A man goes into a see a doctor. He asks what's wrong Doctor? The Doctor replies I'm afraid it's Tom Jones Disease. The patient asks is it common? The doctor says it's not unusual.

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What lies on its back 100 feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

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“Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice Through the Looking Glass

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“Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them”

― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

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Sign in toy store:  Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.

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What did Godzilla say after eating a four-cylinder Datsun?

"Gosh, I could have had a V-8!"

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Why did the cowboy adopt a Dachshund?

To git alonng little doggeh!

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How does Jack Frost get to work?

By icicle
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