Jokes and stuff

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“A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7 p.m. tonight and 11 p.m. tomorrow.”

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“Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not" and poof! he vanishes.”

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“He eats so much his cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.”

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How do ghosts greet each other?

How do you boo!

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Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they “Arrrrr!”

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Honest

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

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Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

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What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.

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If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?

A bagel.

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“Of course, it is quite possible to be in the dark in the dark, but there are so many secrets in the world that it is likely that you are always in the dark about one thing or another, whether you are in the dark in the dark or in the dark not in the dark, although the sun can go down so quickly that you may be in the in the dark about being in the dark, only to look around and find yourself no longer in the dark about being in the dark, but in the dark in the dark nonetheless, not only because of the dark, but because of the ballerinas in the dark, who are not in the dark about the dark, but also not in the dark about the locked cabinet, and you may be in the dark about the ballerinas digging up the locked cabinet in the dark, even though you are no longer in the dark about being in the dark, and so you are in fact in the dark about being in the dark, even though you are not in the dark about being in the dark, and so you may fall into the hole that the ballerinas have dug, which is dark, in the dark, and in the park. ”

― Lemony Snicket, The End

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I poured root beer into a square cup. Now I just have beer.

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What are the strongest days?

Saturday and Sunday because the other days are WEAK days!

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“All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.”

― Seán O'Casey

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“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

― Steven Wright

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“I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.”

― Jarod Kintz

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Aussie accent joke of the day .....

A general is doing his rounds at a military hospital when he comes across an Australian soldier that seemed very depressed. The general says to him, "Son, you didn't come here to die." The soldier replies "No, I came in yesterday!"

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Here are some steps to avoid elevators ....

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My fear of stairs is escalating.

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Did you hear of the scientist who froze himself to absolute zero?

He was 0 k.

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