Jokes and stuff

.
.
.
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played `Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

============

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

=========

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Uhm… how do you drive this thing?”

============

What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge?

A shock absorber.

===========

What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car?

A red carnation.

==========

So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks... Does Boston stop at this train?

=========

What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet?

Aye, Aye, Arr and the Seven C's

===========

What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

===========

“Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?”

― Jim Butcher

===========

“You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.”

― Albert Einstein

==========

Name four men that are in a rock group together but none of them sing nor play music.

Mt. Rushmore. They're a rock group   (it's a rock...group)

==========

“Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!

=============

After the pastor ate too many beans he sat in his own pew.

===========

What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Ba Na Na Naaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

==========

.
.
.