Jokes and stuff

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{*_*} - Rules for Work

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me.  Opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's nightmare land.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

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Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."

The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

"What the heck does that mean?" asks the guy.

"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that no good cop would've tried messing with me!"

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“You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.”

― Dave Barry

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“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”

― Charles Lamb

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“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”

― Dorothy Parker

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“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.”

― Groucho Marx

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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?

A pachydermatologist.

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Guys who don't take out as many girls as their friends could feel out-dated

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Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover up their quack

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