Jokes and stuff

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Why did the otter cross the road?

To get to the otter side!

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How do camels hide in the jungle?

They use camel-flage!

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A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a car that was swerving erratically. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was also knitting as she drove.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs.

"No!" the woman yelled back cheerfully, "Scarf!"

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"Be grateful for what you have now. As you begin to think about all the things in your life you are grateful for, you will be amazed at the never ending thoughts that come back to you of more things to be grateful for. You have to make a start, and then the law of attraction will receive those grateful thoughts and give you more just like them."

— Rhonda Byrne

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If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather?

An umbrella.

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A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

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He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

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He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

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A duck and a chicken were standing by the side of the road. The duck started to cross the road but the chicken stopped him.

"Don't do it," the chicken said, "You'll never hear the end of it."

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“Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? ”

― Dave Barry

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“Someday is not a day of the week.”

― Janet Dailey

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb ?

Only one, but the bulb has to WANT to change.

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“Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?'
'To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.'
'The dog did nothing in the night-time.'
 'That was the curious incident,' remarked Sherlock Holmes.”

― Arthur Conan Doyle, Silver Blaze

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“Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.”

― Charles M. Schulz

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“Vote for the person who promises least; they'll be the least disappointing.”

― Bernard M. Baruch

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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

It wanted to get to the bottom.

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