Jokes and stuff

.
.
.
A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

==========

“In this treacherous world
Nothing is the truth nor a lie.
Everything depends on the color
Of the crystal through which one sees it”

― Pedro Calderón de la Barca

=====

“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.”

― Steven Wright

======

“How can there be self-help groups?”

― Steven Wright

============

“I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”

― Steven Wright

==========

“Along the way [Mozart] got married; fathered seven children (two of whom survived into adulthood); performed as a pianist; violinist; and conductor; maintained a successful teaching studio; wrote thousands of letters; traveled widely; attended the theater religiously; played cards, billiards, and bocce; and rode horseback for exercise. Not bad for someone portrayed as a giggling idiot in the movies.”

― Robert Greenberg, How to Listen to and Understand Great Music

==============

"You can’t save others from themselves because those who make a perpetual muddle of their lives don’t appreciate your interfering with the drama they’ve created. They want your poor-sweet-baby sympathy, but they don’t want to change."

— Sue Grafton (T is for Trespass)

===========

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little whine.

=========

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No."

A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg.

"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said indignantly.

The other guy replied, "That's not my dog."

=============
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
.
.
.
.