Jokes and stuff

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A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find the Rolex watch my husband just gave me for our anniversary."

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A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. The officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain.

Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss.

The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result.

He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.

"What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

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“I have nothing to declare except my genius.”

― Oscar Wilde

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“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”

― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

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“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

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“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”

― Groucho Marx

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive"

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Male deer have buck teeth.

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A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.

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Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

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