Jokes and stuff

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After a day fishing on Lake Michigan, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two live brown trout swimming in a bucket. He is approached by a Conservation Officer who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I was not fishing and I did not catch these browns, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and dump these fish into the water and take them for a walk to the end of the pier and back. When I'm ready to go I whistle and they jump back into the bucket and we go home."

 The officer not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the thrashing trout back into the water.

The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will jump out of the water and into the bucket."

The fisherman turns to the officer and says, "What fish?"

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“Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.”

― Steve Martin

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“Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.”

― Terry Pratchett

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“You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.”

― Steven Wright

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“The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.”

― Steven Wright

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All the little birdies have flown from his tree.

A few screws short of a hardware store.

A few cards short of a deck.

Two fries short of a Happy Meal.

One sandwich short of a picnic.

A few bricks short of a load.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few watts short of a light bulb.

A few Bradys short of a bunch.

A few pecans short of a fruitcake.

A few bits short of a byte. 

An accordion short of a polka band.

A few kernels short of a cob.

A couple of eggs shy of a dozen.

A couple of gallons short of a full tank.

A few ants short of a picnic.

A few cards short of a deck.

A few peas short of a casserole.

A few trucks short of a convoy.

A few sandwiches short of a picnic.

About as bright as a burnt-out 20 watt light bulb.

As much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

As quick as a tortoise on Prozac.

As useful as a screen door on a submarine.

As useful as a wooden frying pan.

Bright as Alaska in December.

Doesn’t have both oars in the water.

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.

Dumb as a corn cob.

Dumb as a stump.

Dumber than a bag of rocks.

Elevator doesn't make the top floor.

Fell out of the family tree.

Fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Four quarters short of a dollar.

Goes surfing in Nebraska.

Golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons.

Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t watching.

He played too much football without a helmet.

He's got a leak in his think-tank.

He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

He's so dense light bends around him.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

His cheese has slipped off his cracker.

His porch light ain't on.

If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.

Isn’t firing on all 6 cylinders.

Knitting with only one needle.

Mind like a rubber bear trap.

Needs a few screws tightened.

Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.

Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box.

Not the sharpest pencil in the box.

Nutty as a fruitcake.

On/off switch is stuck in the off position.

One Fruit Loop shy of a  bowl.

One wave short of a shipwreck.

Requires directions to lay sod.

Running about a quart low.

Sharp as a bowling ball.

She couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses.

Strong like bear, smart like tractor.

The elevator is stuck between floors.

The lights are on, but no one's home.

The wheel is spinning but the hamster's dead.

Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window.

Too many yards between the goal posts.

Two hub caps short of a Buick.

Was left on the tilt-a-whirl too long as a baby.

A french fry short of a Happy Meal

Not the sharpest tool in the shed

The bees are buzzing, but the flower ain't in bloom.

Dumber than a bag of hammers

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

He has a few empty boxcars on his train of thought

Ten pounds of crazy in a five pound sack.

It takes him an hour-and-a-half to watch "60 Minutes".

His biscuits ain't quite done (Immediately followed by "Bless his heart.")

He's got toys in the attic

The gates are down and the lights are flashing, but the train's not coming.

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Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

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What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis?

A hoarse doctor.

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Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

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Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.

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