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How much does a male deer cost?
A buck!
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What did the judge say to the skunk witness?
Odor in the court!
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"I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable.
But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'Well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves.
Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach."
— Maya Angelou
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"A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men."
— Roald Dahl (Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator)
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Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
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What did the painter say to the wall?
"One more crack and I'll plaster you!"
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A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.
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"I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!"
Wicked Witch of the West
Margaret Hamilton
The Wizard of Oz 1939
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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here.
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“The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
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“He that is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.”
― Benjamin Franklin
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“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”
― Steven Wright
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Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Cash!
Cash who?
No thanks, but I'd like some peanuts!
=========
“I am human and I need to be loved,
just like everybody else does.”
― Morrissey
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“A metaphor is like a simile.”
― Steven Wright
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Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Goat
Goat Who?
Goat to the door and find out.
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Jimmy Stuart tells a joke
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IiICcSH8iY
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Why do Lawyers wear boxers?
Because they can't wear their briefs!
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“There's a Polar Bear
In our Frigidaire--
He likes it 'cause it's cold in there.
With his seat in the meat
And his face in the fish
And his big hairy paws
In the buttery dish,
He's nibbling the noodles,
And munching the rice,
He's slurping the soda,
He's licking the ice.
And he lets out a roar
If you open the door.
And it gives me a scare
To know he's in there--
That Polary Bear
In our Fridgitydaire.”
― Shel Silverstein, A Light in the Attic
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“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.”
― Jerry Seinfeld
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“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.”
― Steven Wright
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“You have a very open relationship with your fans."
"Yes. We have an open relationship. Obviously they can see other authors if they want, and I can see other readers.”
― Neil Gaiman
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Wednesday, August 5, 2020
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