Jokes and stuff

.
.
.
“Someday is not a day of the week.”

― Janet Dailey

==========

Why was the broom late this morning?

Because it over swept.

==========

“Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.”

― Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters

==========

“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

― Steven Wright

=============

“When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.”

― Cory Doctorow

===========

What was the camel with no hump named?

Humphrey..

===========

"You're not to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or says it."

— Malcolm X

============

“You can knock on a deaf man's door forever.”

― Nikos Kazantzakis

============

“It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.”

― Mark Twain

============

What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?

Look Grandpa! No Hands!

===========

“If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.”

― Mo Willems, Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs

===========

“It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening.

If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters.”

― Lemony Snicket, The Bad Beginning

============

What is a zebra?

26 sizes larger than an "A" bra

==========

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

===========

I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.

============

"If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now."

— Douglas Adams

==========

"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less."

— Marie Curie

==========

What did the snail on the turtle’s shell say?

Weeeeee!

==============

Why did the ape try to cook on his head?

He thought he was a griller!

=========

MATHOCHISM

People with math anxiety feel physical pain when doing arithmetic according to a study. The Week asked readers to name this condition. They came up with:

*Fibromyalgebra

*Arithmia

*Pi-graine

*Percentile Dysfunction

*Add Nauseum

*Digit-itis

============

Reader's Bill of Rights

1. The right to not read

2. The right to skip pages

3. The right to not finish

4. The right to reread

5. The right to read anything

6. The right to escapism

7. The right to read anywhere

8. The right to browse

9. The right to read out loud

10. The right to not defend your tastes

― Daniel Pennac

==========

.
.
.