Jokes and stuff

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Where do monkeys get all their gossip?

On the ‘ape-vine!

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True Doctor Stories

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested . There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

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“I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.”

― Steven Wright

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“Truth is not something outside to be discovered, it is something inside to be realized.”

― Osho

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"Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can’t “should’ve” done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!"

— Steve Maraboli

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"And now, I'm just trying to change the world, one sequin at a time."

— Lady Gaga

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Ancient orators tended to Babylon.

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Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

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I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.

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“This royal throne of kings, this sceptered isle, This earth of majesty, this seat of Mars, This other Eden, demi-paradise, This fortress built by Nature for herself Against infection and the hand of war, This happy breed of men, this little world, This precious stone set in the silver sea, Which serves it in the office of a wall Or as a moat defensive to a house, Against the envy of less happier lands,--This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England.”

― William Shakespeare, Richard II

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"Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it."

— Robert Frost

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How is a piece of gum like a sneeze?

Its a chew.

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Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

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Show me a man who always has two feet on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't take his pants off.

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“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

― Steven Wright

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“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.”

― Sam Levenson

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“Let's be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.”

― Lena Dunham

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Diagnostic: To pass away without knowing if there is a God.

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Chuck was driving his car home one day when one of the tires went flat.
He stopped at a garage and found an attendant that would plug the leak and pump up the
tire.

"That will be $50," said the attendant when he was finished.

"That's too much for pumping up my tire!" cried Chuck. "Last time I had this problem I was only charged ten bucks!"

The attendant  replied, "Inflation, my good man, inflation!"

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