Jokes and stuff

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“From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!”

― Dr. Seuss, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

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“If you don't know where you are going,
you'll end up someplace else.”

― Yogi Berra

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"My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you."

George M. Cohan

James Cagney - Yankee Doodle Dandy 1942

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How many skunks does it take to make a bad smell?

A phew.

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“Don't gobblefunk around with words.”

― Roald Dahl

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"Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast."

 Carl Denham

Robert Armstrong - King Kong 1933

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“When you come to a fork in the road take it”

― Yogi Berra

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“The future ain't what it used to be.”

― Yogi Berra

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Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toby
Toby who?
Toby or not Toby.

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"The stuff that dreams are made of."

Sam Spade

Humphrey Bogart - The Maltese Falcon - 1941

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“I never said most of the things I said.”

― Yogi Berra

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Some people don't like food going to waist.

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"The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - which you had thought special and particular to you. And now, here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out, and taken yours"

— Alan Bennett

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“Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.”

― Steven Wright

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“Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?”

― Steven Wright

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What happened to the man who crossed a new born snake with a trampoline?

He got a bouncing baby boa!

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How do you hire a porcupine?

Put it on a box!

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There were two city slickers who decided they wanted to try some ice fishing.

They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely.

They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.

One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

So they got that, and they took off.

In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the man, decked out in brand new L.L, Bean outdoor clothes, left.

In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

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