Jokes and stuff

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One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."

Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!"

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

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"If I had my life to live over again, I would have made a rule to read some poetry and listen to some music at least once every week."

— Charles Darwin (The Autobiography of Charles Darwin, 1809–82)

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“When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?”

― Steven Wright

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“My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.”

― Steven Wright

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“Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.”

― Steven Wright

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“Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.”

― Steven Wright

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"You never know which people will affect your life."

— Sue Grafton (D is for Deadbeat)

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Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

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Why did the chicken get in big trouble with his mom?

Because he used fowl language!

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Where does a shark go on vacation?

Fin-land!

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What do snakes do after they fight?

They hiss and make up!

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What do you get when you cross a frog and a snake?

A jump-rope!

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How is a cat different from a frog?

A cat has nine lives while a frog croaks every day!

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Where do baby cows eat their lunch at school?

The calf-eteria!

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“I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.”

― Karl Lagerfeld

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What did the skeleton buy at the market?

Spare ribs!

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What do ghosts spread on bagels?

Scream cheese!

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What do you call two witches that live together?

Broommates!

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What is the one room a ghost can’t go into?

The living room!

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What game do kid ghosts love?

Hide and shriek!

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Where do baby ghosts go while their parents are at work?

Day scare!

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Why do witches wear name tags?

So you can tell which witch is which!

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Why do witches fly on brooms?

Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!


(Alternative answer - Because nature abhors a vacuum.)

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What do you get when you put a snowman in a haunted house?

Ice screams!

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