Jokes and stuff

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Which show always leaves leopards out of breath?

The Pink Panter Show!

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Which hand should you always use to pet a lion?

Someone else's!

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“I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.”

― Steven Wright

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“I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent!”

― Dr. Seuss, Horton Hatches the Egg

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“Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention.”

― Christopher Paolini

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“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”

― Anthony G. Oettinger

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"In the fevered state of our country, no good can ever result from any attempt to set one of these fiery zealots to rights, either in fact or principle. They are determined as to the facts they will believe, and the opinions on which they will act. Get by them, therefore, as you would by an angry bull; it is not for a man of sense to dispute the road with such an animal.”

― Thomas Jefferson

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When I hear another express an opinion which is not mine, I say to myself, he has a right to his opinion, as I to mine; why should I question it? His error does me no injury, and shall I become a Don Quixote, to bring all men by force of argument to one opinion?

― Thomas Jefferson

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“Manners are about imagination, ultimately. They are about imagining being the other person.”

― Lynne Truss

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“The less you respond to rude, critical, argumentative people...the more peaceful your life will become.”

― Mandy Hale

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I have a story about a huge grey animal with big ears, but it's irrelephant.

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Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

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Don't you hate it when a sentence doesn't end how you octopus?

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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two; one to change the light bulb, and one to observe how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of cosmic nothingness.

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Why did the ghost cross the road?

To get to (spooky voice) *the other side*.

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"

After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"

Sherlock paused, then sighed. "My friend, it tells me that someone stole our tent."

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