Funny Quotes

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(^_^) - FAMOUS QUOTES

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy and Billy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.

I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea.

Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;

if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist's diet:

If it tastes good spit it out.

author unknown

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