Jokes of the day

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Retired Person's Perspective

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.

4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

5. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

6. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

Old age is not as bad as I thought. It's a good feeling when you just don't give a hoot anymore and you feel happy just to wake up in the morning.

When I was a boy my momma would send me down to a corner store with a dollar and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and 6 eggs. You can't do that now...........................

Too many security cameras.

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What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?

Laughing stock

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A pony went to the doctor. “I'm not feeling well, doctor. My throat hurts.”

The doctor checked him out and said, “Don't worry. You're just a little horse.”

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What has 4 legs and a burglar's arm?

A Rottweiler!

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Bad sentence winner:

They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland cheddar and the white mozzarella, although it could possibly be provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently.


Mariann Simms, Wetumpka, AL (2003 Winner Bulwer-Lytton sentence)

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"Few pleasures, for the true reader, rival the pleasure of browsing unhurriedly among books: old books, new books, library books, other people's books, one's own books - it does not matter whose or where. Simply to be among books, glancing at one here, reading a page from one over there, enjoying them all as objects to be touched, looked at, even smelt, is a deep satisfaction. And often, very often, while browsing haphazardly, looking for nothing in particular, you pick up a volume that suddenly excites you, and you know that this one of all the others you must read. Those are great moments - and the books we come across like that are often the most memorable." 

— Aidan Chambers
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