Jokes and stuff

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What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer!

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Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.

I'll deal with you later.

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"Books don't offer real escape, but they can stop a mind scratching itself raw."

— David Mitchell (Cloud Atlas)

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"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron."

— Dwight D. Eisenhower

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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Duane.
Duane who?
Duane the bathtub, I'm dwowning!

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What's red and jolly and goes “Oh, oh, oh?”

Santa walking backwards.

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Elsa: Hey Toni, did you know, I was on a diet for a month!

Toni: Oh yeah? How much did you lose?

Elsa: I lost 30 days!

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Owning a sports car and driving it within the speed limit is like going to an eat-all-you-can buffet and having just the salad.

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I’m so great at multi-tasking! I can sit, do nothing, and procrastinate all at once!

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