Jokes and stuff

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Books are the carriers of civilization. Without books, history is silent, literature dumb, science crippled, thought and speculation at a standstill.

~ Barbara Tuchman

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Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Olive!
Olive who?
Olive right next door to you!

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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Gray Z!
Gray Z who?
Gray Z mixed up kid.

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Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Turnip!
Turnip who?
Turnip the volume on your doorbell, I can hardly hear it!

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Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you glad to see me?

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A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. 

~ Tex Guinan~

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Today I want to honor famed British novelist Agatha Christie, a pioneer of detective fiction best-known for creating enigmatic characters Hercule Poirot and Miss Marple along with suspenseful whodunits like "Murder on the Orient Express" and "The Mousetrap." But even Christie's less-publicized accomplishments are impressive. Below, a few highlights that may surprise you.

1. She wrote her first novel on a bet.

Agatha Christie wrote her first novel, "The Mysterious Affair at Styles," because her sister Madge bet her that she couldn't. The book was published in 1916 and featured Hercule Poirot, a Belgian detective who would appear in many of her works.

2. She knew how to catch a wave. 

Christie is the first British woman documented to have stood up while riding a surfboard, according to Pete Robinson, founder of the Museum of British Surfing. In 1922, Christie's first husband, Archie, was helping to organize a world tour promoting the British Empire Exhibition, an event celebrating British imperialism that ran during the summers of 1924 and 1925 in Wembley Stadium in north London. While in Cape Town, the two took up surfing. They later traveled to Australia, New Zealand and Hawaii, where Christie stood up on her board for the first time. She wrote about the experience in her autobiography:

"I learned to become expert - or at any rate expert from the European point of view - the moment of complete triumph on the day that I kept my balance and came right into shore standing upright on my board!"

3. She was a part-time archaeologist.

In 1928, Christie became interested in archaeology and toured a dig led by archaeologist Sir Charles Leonard Woolley at Ur, an ancient Mesopotamian city, in Iraq. She was invited back the following year, when she met her second husband, archaeologist Max Mallowan. Christie learned to help out and assisted on several of Mallowan's digs while also reserving time for writing.

4. She was an expert on poisons. 

Christie's novels are known for their descriptions of poisons, with more than 80 people having fallen victim to poison in her stories. In "The Pale Horse," she described the symptoms of thallium poisoning so well doctors were able to use it to identify and cure a real case.

Christie learned about poison while working as a nurse and pharmacy dispenser during World War I. She addressed her preoccupation with poison while writing about her first book "The Mysterious Affair at Styles" in her autobiography. "Since I was surrounded by poisons, perhaps it was natural that death by poisoning should be the method I selected," she wrote.

5. She's second only to Shakespeare in popularity.

Christie is widely acknowledged to be the best-selling author in the world after Shakespeare. Her books have sold more than two billion copies and translated into more than 103 languages.

6. Her characters received the star treatment.

The New York Times ran a full-page obituary for Hercule Poirot on Aug. 6, 1975, shortly before "Curtain: Poirot's Last Case" was published. The first paragraph read, "Hercule Poirot, a Belgian detective who became internationally famous, has died in England. His age was unknown." It is the only time the paper has published an obituary for a fictional character.

7. She wrote the world's longest-running play.

Christie is the author of "Mousetrap," the world's longest-running play. First performed in 1952, the play is still running on the at the St. Martins Theater in London. Its run exceeds that of the longest-running Broadway show, "Phantom of the Opera," which opened in 1988 and continues today at the Majestic Theatre. She was also the first female playwright to have had three plays running on the West End simultaneously. 

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Nook Audio

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https://www.nookaudiobooks.com/audiobook/217836/accidental-guardian-the

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Kindle

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Lost in Austin (Tony Kozol Mystery Book 3)

https://www.amazon.com/Lost-Austin-Tony-Kozol-Mystery-ebook/dp/B005FNJ080/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Christian Fiction Box Set

https://www.amazon.com/Christmas-Tale-Box-Morris-Fenris-ebook/dp/B077L1STMC/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Mary

https://www.amazon.com/MARY-raised-whorehouse-Blackfoot-Spirit-Woman-ebook/dp/B01N98T7S3/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_12?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=190ZQ421644P69XZSDPB

Secret Garden

https://www.amazon.com/Secret-Garden-Frances-Hodgson-Burnett-ebook/dp/B076X7WJPB/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_19?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=190ZQ421644P69XZSDPB

Capone

https://www.amazon.com/Al-Capone-Life-Beginning-End-ebook/dp/B07L9F6YWQ/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_41?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=190ZQ421644P69XZSDPB

Ballet

https://www.amazon.com/Balance-Ballet-Theatre-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B00WB224IQ/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_53?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=9V8FYSD7EBRXJGHF1YP3

Tea

https://www.amazon.com/Tea-Life-Victoria-Square-Book-ebook/dp/B088DHXZX1/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_72?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=9V8FYSD7EBRXJGHF1YP3

Pilates

https://www.amazon.com/Pilates-Beginners-Complete-Strengthen-Flexibility-ebook/dp/B08943XHR9/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_89?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=9V8FYSD7EBRXJGHF1YP3

Herulians

https://www.amazon.com/Ancient-Civilizations-Herulians-Easy-History-ebook/dp/B089463FBQ/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_97?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=9V8FYSD7EBRXJGHF1YP3
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Kindle

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Carson

https://www.amazon.com/Christopher-Carson-Familiarly-Known-Pioneer-ebook/dp/B073VC8JK5/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_31?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RN233X5SM6JYYDNYAXCE

Cromwell

https://www.amazon.com/Oliver-Cromwell-Life-Beginning-End-ebook/dp/B01MPZAO96/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_39?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RN233X5SM6JYYDNYAXCE

Malaysia

https://www.amazon.com/Mystery-Malaysia-Airlines-Flight-370-ebook/dp/B00JYLU5Z6/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_42?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RN233X5SM6JYYDNYAXCE

Western

https://www.amazon.com/Memories-Deadly-Gun-Historical-Adventure-ebook/dp/B0897NFGXQ/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_54?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=W2WTJN4C0EP0NKYGQNES

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My philosophy too

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Jokes and stuff

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I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

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I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

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How can you guarantee straight A's?

Use a ruler!

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To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!

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What do you get if you fire a bullet into a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.

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Did you know that Japan's flag is also a pie chart showing  how much of Japan is Japan?

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Did you ever try blindfolded archery? You don't know what you're missing.

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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

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Don't run with bagpipes.

You could put an aye out.

Or worse, you could get kilt.

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(Walking in forest with a friend)

Me: Oh look! There's a wolf!

Friend : Where?

Me: No,  the regular kind

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Here's  some advice:  If you ever feel cold, go stand in a corner, they're about 90 degrees.

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"Night falls. Or has fallen. Why is it that night falls, instead of rising, like the dawn? Yet if you look east, at sunset, you can see night rising, not falling; darkness lifting into the sky, up from the horizon, like a black sun behind cloud cover. Like smoke from an unseen fire, a line of fire just below the horizon, brushfire or a burning city. Maybe night falls because it’s heavy, a thick curtain pulled up over the eyes. Wool blanket." 

— Margaret Atwood (The Handmaid's Tale)

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Bad writing of the Day - Another "winner" in the Bulwer-Lytton bad writing contest:

As he finished off the last of his bourbon, Sidney realized that he was in for another evening of dancing rodents and flying elephants; God, how he hated working the night shift at Disney Studios.


James Dainis, Manhasset, NY

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Kindle

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12-Step Survival Guide: Battling Addiction and Ornery Old-timers in Alcoholics Anonym

https://www.amazon.com/12-Step-Survival-Guide-Getting-Delightful-Peculiar-ebook/dp/B07MFHQPCZ/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Trailersteading: How to Find, Buy, Retrofit, and Live Large in a Mobile Home (Modern Simplicity Book 2)

https://www.amazon.com/Trailersteading-Retrofit-Mobile-Modern-Simplicity-ebook/dp/B00AR0T8DI/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Valley of Fear

https://www.amazon.com/Valley-Fear-Arthur-Conan-Doyle-ebook-dp-B07BY61TFQ/dp/B07BY61TFQ/ref=mt_kindle?_encoding=UTF8&me=&qid=

The Christmas Tree Thief (Charlotte Dean Mysteries Book 1)

https://www.amazon.com/Christmas-Tree-Thief-Charlotte-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B07ZHWK2V7/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Sacrificial Lamb (Lincolnshire Murder Mystery Book 7)

https://www.amazon.com/Sacrificial-Lamb-Lincolnshire-Murder-Mystery-ebook/dp/B075WXL8X4/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Cromwell

https://www.amazon.com/Oliver-Cromwell-Life-Beginning-End-ebook/dp/B01MPZAO96/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_22?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=E1B5RR0D5DT0815W5GQX

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Nook Audio

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https://www.nookaudiobooks.com/audiobook/129944/you-gotta-get-bigger-dreams

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Kindle

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Peru as It Is (Vol. 1&2): An Account of the Social and Physical Features (Complete Edition)

https://www.amazon.com/Peru-Vol-Physical-Features-Complete-ebook/dp/B088R4X5L3/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_26?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=ANH47FQYPVR99N8P6QGW

Ford

https://www.amazon.com/Henry-Ford-Life-Beginning-End-ebook/dp/B073116HJR/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_41?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=ANH47FQYPVR99N8P6QGW

Henry 8

https://www.amazon.com/Henry-VIII-Beginning-House-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01N5H0NMA/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_52?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=VXR5PW201YSS7V9XSGYG

Franco

https://www.amazon.com/Francisco-Franco-Life-Beginning-End-ebook/dp/B075YHCDNN/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_57?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=VXR5PW201YSS7V9XSGYG

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B&N FREE FRIDAY

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https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/spy-in-the-house-y-s-lee/1100306090?ean=9780763651824

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Not from heaven

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Jokes and stuff

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Bad writing of the Day - Another "winner" in the Bulwer-Lytton bad writing contest:

With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.

Alice A. Hall, Ft. Wayne, IN

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"Some regard private enterprise as if it were a predatory tiger to be shot. Others look upon it as a cow that they can milk. Only a handful see it for what it really is--the strong horse that pulls the whole cart." 

— Winston Churchill

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"Librarians consider free access to information the foundation of democracy." 

— Marilyn Johnson (This Book Is Overdue!: How Librarians and Cybrarians Can Save Us All)

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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money, can you loan me some?

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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!

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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The interrupting cow.
The interru…
MOOOOO!!!!

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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You’re very welcome.

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Crooks robbed the local bank. They took all the Bill's but left all the coins behind. It was a cents less crime.

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A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots.

On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'.

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A young boy swallowed several pennies and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

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Father says "Johnny will you be good ?"

Son says "Sure dad for quarter. "

Dad says, "For a quarter?". Son, when I was your age, I was good for nothing."

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Kindle

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Yorktown: Katana Krieger #1

https://www.amazon.com/Yorktown-Katana-Krieger-Bill-Robinson-ebook/dp/B00L4VXSDA/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Murder in the French Teacher's Garden

https://www.amazon.com/Murder-French-Teachers-Garden-Andrew-ebook/dp/B0899J63QY/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

The Chrysler Building

https://www.amazon.com/Chrysler-Building-History-Famous-Landmarks-ebook/dp/B00TRBJT0K/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

The HMS Wager: The History of the 18th Century’s Most Famous Shipwreck and Mutiny

https://www.amazon.com/HMS-Wager-History-Centurys-Shipwreck-ebook/dp/B01M0WIRN5/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Sharia Law: The History and Legacy of the Religious Laws that Governed Islamic Societies

https://www.amazon.com/Sharia-Law-Religious-Governed-Societies-ebook/dp/B072W74NPM/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Artemis: The Origins and History of the Greek Goddess of the Moon and the Hunt

https://www.amazon.com/Artemis-Origins-History-Greek-Goddess-ebook/dp/B075VCF9WT/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

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Nook Audio

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https://www.nookaudiobooks.com/audiobook/259066/nanaville

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Might work ...

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Bad writing

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Bad writing of the Day - Another "winner" in the Bulwer-Lytton bad writing contest:

The hands of the little white porcelain clock, which had sat at her bedside since she was twelve years old and wildly in love with Baxton Heathley and which had been given to her by her aunt Martha who had since died of a mysterious ailment in Peru while reportedly seeking information on the whereabouts of the famed black diamond which had belonged to her mother and her mother before her and so on down the line until it had disappeared during a hailstorm in Kansas where she was attending a convention of Astrologers Annonymous, crept slowly.

Dorey Hollin-Lowe, Salinas, CA

Jokes

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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

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What does a guy with no brain have?

No idea

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Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Iran.

Iran who?

Iran all the way here and boy am I tired. ...

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Why Cinderella was never picked for the soccer team?

Because she runs away from the ball.

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What did the right ear say to the left ear?

Between the two of us, we've got some brains.

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Why is it impossible to play a card game in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

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What kind of flower is really good at getting their picture taken?

Posies

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What did the budding astronomer spot in a pan on the stove?

An unidentified frying object

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What did the water say to the shore?

Nothing, it just waved.

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What kind of flower has a fierce roar?

Dandelions

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What always goes up, but never comes down?

Your age.

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What has holes but holds lots of water?

A sponge

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Kindle

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Plant-Based High-Protein: The Athlete’s Nutritional Guide with Delicious Low Carbohydrate Meatless Bonus Recipe for your Workouts

https://www.amazon.com/Plant-Based-High-Protein-Nutritional-Delicious-Carbohydrate-ebook/dp/B0848GMG4R/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

A Mile and a Half

https://www.amazon.com/Mile-Half-Frank-Scozzari-ebook/dp/B014XQYC3C/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

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Nook Audio

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https://www.nookaudiobooks.com/audiobook/203999/in-the-shadow-of-denali

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Kindle

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Winter War

https://www.amazon.com/Winter-War-Captivating-Russo-Finnish-between-ebook/dp/B08934RKV5/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_22?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=W9W8NGQPZDNW9934JJA2

Ireland

https://www.amazon.com/Ireland-Important-People-Places-History-ebook/dp/B07VFW84RJ/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_79?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=7YRXB8NNBYJW8CDD2Q38

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Jokes

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What did the human canon ball say just before his first job?

Please don't fire me!

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Who has the easiest job in the world?

Candle makers, because they only work on wick-ends

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Why was everyone ignoring the tether ball pole on the rainy day?

It was just a stick in the mud.

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How did Quasimodo know how to solve the crime?

He had a hunch.

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Kindle

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Mozart

https://go.ereaderiq.com/us/w/B01MUD8LJU

Louis 14

https://www.amazon.com/King-Louis-XIV-Beginning-Biography-ebook/dp/B06XS3TSLS/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Kipling

https://www.amazon.com/Man-Who-Would-Be-King-ebook/dp/B01LXC93S6/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

audio 1.99

https://www.amazon.com/Man-Who-Would-Be-King/dp/B074F19HYW/ref=tmm_aud_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

History of Denmark, Sweden, and Norway (Vol. 1&2): From the Ancient Times in 70 A.D. until Medieval Period in 14th Century (Complete Edition)

https://www.amazon.com/History-Denmark-Sweden-Norway-Vol-ebook/dp/B088R53SKH/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_52?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=J6XRWZJTKJEZS3A0R381

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Nook Audio

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https://www.nookaudiobooks.com/audiobook/66985/art-of-negotiation-the

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Jokes and stuff

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No matter how far a mule travels it can never come back a horse.

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What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?

Look Grandpa! No Hands!

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What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?

A mini-van.

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Why didn't the marsupial get the job?

Because he didn't have the right koalafications.

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Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

So as not to wake the sleeping pills.

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What do you call a cow that just had a baby?


De-calfinated.

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What has a bottom at the top?

Your legs.

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What falls but doesn't get hurt?

Rain

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What always goes up, but never comes down?

Your age.

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Kindle

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A 40 Day Dopamine Fast

https://www.amazon.com/40-Day-Dopamine-Fast-ebook/dp/B06X6GFV93/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=A+40+Day+Dopamine+Fast&qid=1590490244&s=digital-text&sr=1-1

1918 SPANISH FLU: The Terrible Story of the Great Influenza, the 20th Century’s Deadliest Pandemic

https://www.amazon.com/1918-SPANISH-FLU-Influenza-Deadliest-ebook/dp/B088X5FPB4/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

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Nook Audio

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https://www.nookaudiobooks.com/audiobook/66574/serpents-tooth-a

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Not your Gramma's grammer

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"Dearest creature in creation,

Study English pronunciation.

I will teach you in my verse

Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

I will keep you, Suzy, busy,

Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

Tear in eye, your dress will tear.

So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,

Dies and diet, lord and word,

Sword and sward, retain and Britain.

(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)

Now I surely will not plague you

With such words as plaque and ague.

But be careful how you speak:

Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;

Cloven, oven, how and low,

Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,

Exiles, similes, and reviles;

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

Solar, mica, war and far;

One, anemone, Balmoral,

Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

Gertrude, German, wind and mind,

Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

Blood and flood are not like food,

Nor is mould like should and would.

Viscous, viscount, load and broad,

Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciation’s OK

When you correctly say croquet,

Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,

Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour

And enamour rhyme with hammer.

River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,

Doll and roll and some and home.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,

Neither does devour with clangour.

Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,

Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,

Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,

And then singer, ginger, linger,

Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,

Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,

Nor does fury sound like bury.

Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.

Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.

Though the differences seem little,

We say actual but victual.

Refer does not rhyme with deafer.

Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

Mint, pint, senate and sedate;

Dull, bull, and George ate late.

Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,

Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,

Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.

We say hallowed, but allowed,

People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

Mark the differences, moreover,

Between mover, cover, clover;

Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,

Chalice, but police and lice;

Camel, constable, unstable,

Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,

Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.

Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,

Senator, spectator, mayor.

Tour, but our and succour, four.

Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Sea, idea, Korea, area,

Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.

Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,

Dandelion and battalion.

Sally with ally, yea, ye,

Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.

Say aver, but ever, fever,

Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.

Heron, granary, canary.

Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.

Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Large, but target, gin, give, verging,

Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.

Ear, but earn and wear and tear

Do not rhyme with here but ere.

Seven is right, but so is even,

Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,

Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,

Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)

Is a paling stout and spikey?

Won’t it make you lose your wits,

Writing groats and saying grits?

It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:


Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,

Islington and Isle of Wight,

Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough,

Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?

Hiccough has the sound of cup.

My advice is to give up!!!"

— Gerard Nolst Trenité (Drop your Foreign Accent)

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Punny stuff

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(^_^) - Puns, For the Educated Mind

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. A man sent ten entries to the pun contest hoping to win, but unfortunately no pun in ten did.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. When Roy Rodgers saw his boots were chewed he was upset. Since he had numerous cats running around Dale pointed at the trouble maker and said, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new boots?"

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

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Kindle

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Stamped Out: A Cat Cozy Mystery: A Mail Carrier Cozy Mystery

https://www.amazon.com/Stamped-Out-Mail-Carrier-Mystery-ebook/dp/B07VVD9YCY/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Springtime for Murder (Sophie Sayers Village Mysteries Book 5)

https://www.amazon.com/Springtime-Murder-Sophie-Village-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B07JX4WZS3/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Death Is a Laff Riot (A Paul Stark Football Noir Book 1)

https://www.amazon.com/Death-Laff-Riot-Stark-Football-ebook/dp/B07SS5P168/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Death on Demand (Tito Ihaka)

https://www.amazon.com/Death-Demand-Tito-Ihaka-Thomas-ebook/dp/B00APD9X3C/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

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Nook Audio

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https://www.nookaudiobooks.com/audiobook/201623/heros-journey-the

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Sports news

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Hope

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Jokes and stuff

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What do you call a flipped-over Easter Bunny?

Hop-side-down

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If a plane crashed on the border of the U.S. and Mexico, where would you bury the survivors?

Nowhere, you wouldn't bury survivors.

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Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

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Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?

I never make rash promises!

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Who do you call when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.

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"One can never have too many librarian friends."

— Jennifer Chiaverini (The Wedding Quilt (Elm Creek Quilts #18))

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"I guess that’s all forever is...Just one long trail of nows. And I guess all you can do is try and live one now at a time without getting too worked up about the last now or the next now."

— Nicholas Evans (The Horse Whisperer)

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Kindle

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Vikings

https://www.amazon.com/Vikings-History-Mythology-Valhalla-Religion-ebook/dp/B01N2A08ZB/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Divine Intervention: A Divine Cozy Mystery (Divine Christian Cozy Mysteries Series Book 1)

https://www.amazon.com/Divine-Intervention-Mystery-Christian-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B07MSK31RV/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Rough Riders

https://www.amazon.com/Rough-Riders-Theodore-Roosevelt-ebook/dp/B01MTU8AH1/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_14?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=1T200Z901AF67AQDTM7Y

Marine

https://www.amazon.com/Donut-Hole-Marines-Real-Life-Logistical-ebook/dp/B07ZJFKZS4/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_38?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=1T200Z901AF67AQDTM7Y

WW2

https://www.amazon.com/World-War-Japan-Harbour-Nagasaki-ebook/dp/B01CX6XU2I/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_67?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=7D2PAEPJZJ1V1P4V4236

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Nook Audio

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https://www.nookaudiobooks.com/audiobook/158206/no-time-like-the-present

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Chill

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Jokes and stuff

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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to let me in?

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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
It’s Barbie.
Barbie who?
Barbeque me some food!

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Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!

=============

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ach!
Ach who?
Bless you!

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What has eight legs and eight eyes?

Eight pirates.

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Have you heard the joke about the mail without a stamp?

You probably wouldn't get it.

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"I wish my horse had the speed of your tongue."

— William Shakespeare (Much Ado About Nothing)

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Some things we were never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google.

==============

"I don't need no Smith and Wesson, man, I got Merriam and Webster." 

— Avi Steinberg (Running the Books: The Adventures of an Accidental Prison Librarian)

===============

"Finding the center of strength within ourselves is in the long run the best contribution we can make to others. ... One person with indigenous inner strength exercises a great calming effect on panic among the people around them. 

This is what our society needs — not new ideas and inventions; important as these are, and not geniuses and super heroes, but persons who can "be", that is, persons who have a center of strength within themselves." 

— Rollo May

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Never believe generalizations.

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Nook Audio

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https://www.nookaudiobooks.com/audiobook/139341/demon-haunted-world-the

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Kindle

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In The Soup (William Bridge Mysteries Book 2)

https://www.amazon.com/Soup-Michael-N-Wilton-ebook/dp/B00YF2B87S/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Judges, The Wild West Of The Bible (Firelight Bible Studies Book 2)

https://www.amazon.com/Judges-Wild-Bible-Firelight-Studies-ebook/dp/B00M9ORXQY/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Break New Ground With God: How the Transfiguration of...

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B074JH6J1F?pd_rd_i=B074JH6J1F&ref_=dbs_t_r_nis_dp&storeType=ebooks

Goliath's Head: The Real Story of History's Most Famous Battle

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00ICI3VOO?notRedirectToSDP=1&ref_=dbs_mng_calw_0&storeType=ebooks

A Scandal In Scarborough: The First Paget Brothers Mystery (A Paget Brothers Mystery Book 1)

https://www.amazon.com/Scandal-Scarborough-First-Brothers-Mystery-ebook/dp/B01AVBKUVG/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

365 Fascinating Facts You Didn't Know About Your Cat

https://www.amazon.com/Fascinating-Facts-Didnt-Know-About-ebook/dp/B07R5LG3G5/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Inca

https://www.amazon.com/Inca-Empire-History-Beginning-End-ebook/dp/B088QXBQYP/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_9?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=THCMTDW4ATBBFG41RDHJ

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B&N FREE FRIDAY BOOK

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https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/loving-kate-lara-van-hulzen/1124124680?ean=2940157145217

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Car drama

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Jokes of the day

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Patient: Doctor, please help me. I can’t stop my hands from shaking!

Doctor: Do you drink a lot of alcohol?

Patient: No, I usually spill most of it.

====================

Patient to a Doctor Doctor, please help me. I swallowed a whole cube of ice last night and it still hasn’t come out!

==========

Waitress: Sorry to have kept you waiting, Sir.

Customer: Did you know that the floor contains 245,786 tiles?

====================

Q: Do you know the difference between a cellphone and a classroom of eight year olds?

A: The cellphone has a silent setting.

=================

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Hay Lettuce.
Hay Lettuce who?
Hay Lettuce come in; it’s so cold out here!

======

"Do you see yonder cloud that’s almost in shape of a camel?

Polonius: By the mass, and ‘tis like a camel, indeed.

Hamlet: Methinks it is like a weasel.

Polonius: It is backed like a weasel.

Hamlet: Or like a whale?

Polonius: Very like a whale."

— William Shakespeare (Hamlet)

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Q - What kind of doctor treats ducks?

A - A quack!

-----------------------------------------

How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?

Just one if it's long enough!

---------------------------------------

Why did the child study in the aeroplane?

He wanted a higher education!

--------------------------------------

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?

Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over!

-------------------------------

Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because it's too far to walk!

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Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Groucho Marx
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Kindle

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Wayne

https://www.amazon.com/John-Wayne-Beginning-Biographies-Actors-ebook/dp/B07PFFPNT1/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_14?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=1M603Z4P5AFTX6HM8PQV

The Big Book of Vintage Advertising Posters - Volume Two: A Kindle Coffee Table Book

https://www.amazon.com/Big-Book-Vintage-Advertising-Posters-ebook/dp/B07K7RRRZV/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Olmec

https://www.amazon.com/Charles-River-Editors-ebook/dp/B01MXFB7AG/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_58?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=5W3ENNP2KZVP9MVBRG0P

Mojave

https://www.amazon.com/Mojave-Desert-History-Legacy-Americas-ebook/dp/B07CX4MS7D/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_75?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=5W3ENNP2KZVP9MVBRG0P
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Free Nook Books

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This is a constantly updating list of free Nook Books. The categories are on the left side of the page.

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/b/nook-books/free-ebooks/_/N-8qaZry0

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