Jokes of the day

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When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

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A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

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Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

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I had a hen that could count her own eggs. She was a mathemachicken.

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A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seat belt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

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What do you find in the middle of dinosaurs? 

The letter ‘S’! 

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"Everything happens for a reason, but that doesn't mean there's a point." 

— Sue Grafton (C is for Corpse)

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An expert farmer is outstanding in his field.

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What's the longest piece of furniture in the world? 

The multiplication table.

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What's the biggest room in the world?

The room for improvement.

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Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

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A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche. 

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.

“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly. 

“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!”

“Well, it’s used and I got a good deal” says the boy, “This one cost me 20 dollars.”

“Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!”

“The woman up the street,” the boy replies. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in. 

She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.”

The boy’s dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard.

“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you!”

“Well,” the woman says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”

“What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?” The boy’s mom asks, utterly perplexed.

The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. 

So I did...

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“What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?” 

― Steven Wright

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“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?” 

― Steven Wright

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