Saturday, December 26, 2020

Jokes and stuff

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What did the baseball glove say to the baseball? 

“Catch you later” 

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Why can’t you tell a joke while ice skating? 

Because the ice might crack up!

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“I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.” 

― Demetri Martin

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(😊) - Definitions

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. 

Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do. 

Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall. 

Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage. 

Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with. 

Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate. 

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. 

Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living. 

Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist. 

Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does. 

Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot. 

Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots. 

Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians. 

Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. 

Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm. 

Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins in Antarctica see. 

Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV. 

Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring. 

Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife. 

Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two. 

Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does. 

Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines. 

Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official

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A book is a friend whose face is constantly changing. If you read it when you are recovering from an illness, and return to it years after, it is changed surely, with the change in yourself.

      - Andrew Lang, The Library (ch. I)


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