Jokes and stuff

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(This one is a little dated)

(*_*) - Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with his problems on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after his problems on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems. 

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. 

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road .. 

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road. 

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. Probably. 

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes, and in the way he walks. 

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. 

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me what direction that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. 

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken - cross the road? Did he cross it - with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road - but why it crossed - I've not been told! 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone. 

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. 

BARBARA WALTERS: In a few moments, we will be listening for the first time,that same chicken tell us, in its own words, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road. 

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens .... It's easy, if you try ..... Crossing roads, together .... Hoping not to die ..... Imagine all, the chickens .... Crossing, roads, in peace .... 

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. 

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2000, Millennium Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is a integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cras ... #@&&^(! 

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? 

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken? 

AL GORE: I invented the chicken! 

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

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Name Your Car Day

Unfortunately, many people do not think about naming their cars. Name Your Car Day has been set aside especially for those of you who may have forgotten this little ritual.

It's very common for people to name their boats so why is it that some people forget to name their car? Let's face it, our cars do a lot for us and many of us would be lost without them so why not take the time to think of a good name for your daily companion. If it weren't for him/her how would you get to work? How would you go shopping? How would you take the kids to soccer practice?

Yes, they are always there for us whenever we need them. Who could ask for more dependability than this.

On Name Your Car Day take the time to choose a name that your car will be proud of.

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A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. 

As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

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Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings

from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out

past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline

ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and

then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

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Q. What do you get when you cross geometry with McDonalds?

A. A plane cheeseburger.

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Q. Who invented algebra?

A. A Clever X-pert.

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“‎You're not the same as you were before," he said. You were much more... muchier... you've lost your muchness.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

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