Jokes and stuff

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What did Sherlock Holmes say when pointing to the elephant-shaped hole in the wall?

Eleph-entry my dear Watson! 

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What did the adult snake say to the baby snake with a runny nose? 

Viper your nose!

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What are the strongest days? 

Saturday and Sunday because the other days are WEAK days!

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Which side of the chicken has more feathers?

The outside.

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Male deer have buck teeth.

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A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.

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What do you get if you cross a canary and a 50-foot long snake?

A sing-a-long!

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Doctor, doctor, everywhere I look I see an insect spinning in circles! 

It’s just a bug that’s going around! 

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What do you get if you cross a black dog and a white dog? 

A greyhound!

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“I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.” 

― Steven Wright

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How do crazy people go through the forest? 

They take the psycho path.

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When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

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A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

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Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

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I had a hen that could count her own eggs. She was a mathemachicken.

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A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seat belt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

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What do you find in the middle of dinosaurs? 

The letter ‘S’! 

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"Everything happens for a reason, but that doesn't mean there's a point." 

— Sue Grafton (C is for Corpse)

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An expert farmer is outstanding in his field.

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What's the longest piece of furniture in the world? 

The multiplication table.

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What's the biggest room in the world?

The room for improvement.

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“Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.

"Begin at the beginning," the King said gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

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