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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9dMNjYGV70
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUJqcu4tWw4
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Thursday, December 31, 2015
Thoughts of the Day ...
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(*_*) - Thoughts for the Day
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Procrastinate Now!
I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
Make your words sweet & tender today, for tomorrow you may have to eat them.
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(*_*) - Thoughts for the Day
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Procrastinate Now!
I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
Make your words sweet & tender today, for tomorrow you may have to eat them.
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Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Jokes of the Day ....
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Why did the sun not bother going to college?
It already had a million degrees!
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Why did the teacher get stronger bulbs for the school room?
Because the class was a little dim!
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Why did the skeleton keep his head in the freezer?
Because he was a numb-skull!
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Why did the skeleton not cross the road?
It didn't have the guts!.
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Why did the sun not bother going to college?
It already had a million degrees!
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Why did the teacher get stronger bulbs for the school room?
Because the class was a little dim!
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Why did the skeleton keep his head in the freezer?
Because he was a numb-skull!
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Why did the skeleton not cross the road?
It didn't have the guts!.
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Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Jokes of the Day ...
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What do you call a bird that digs underground?
A mynah bird!
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What happened to the man who crossed Bambi with a ghost?
He got bam-boo!
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What happened to the man who crossed black and white animals with sheep?
He got baa-dgers!
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Why did the snake cross the road?
To get to the other ssssssside!
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Why did the space alien become known as Captain Kirk?
It had a left ear, a right ear and a final front ear!
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Why did the sun go to school and then college?
It wanted to be brighter!.
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What do you call a bird that digs underground?
A mynah bird!
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What happened to the man who crossed Bambi with a ghost?
He got bam-boo!
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What happened to the man who crossed black and white animals with sheep?
He got baa-dgers!
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Why did the snake cross the road?
To get to the other ssssssside!
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Why did the space alien become known as Captain Kirk?
It had a left ear, a right ear and a final front ear!
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Why did the sun go to school and then college?
It wanted to be brighter!.
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Monday, December 28, 2015
Stone of the Day .....
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Yellow Jasper
Yellow Jasper aids and protects during all types of spiritual work. It is a companion stone, helping to guide you through these earth experiences and to keep you moving on your life path.
Yellow Jasper is a wonderful stone to utilize as it will protect and clear the body of environmental toxins and impurities. If you or someone you love is clumsy or accident prone, a gift of Yellow Jasper will help to ease these issues. Carry Yellow Jasper when you need a bo...ost of positive energy to infuse the body, mind and soul. Yellow Jasper is great for protection during spiritual work or physical travel.
Physically, Yellow Jasper can be used to help cleanse and detoxify the internal organs, including the liver, gall bladder and intestines. Yellow Jasper also helps to strengthen the immune system, relieve nausea and indigestion. Yellow Jasper can also be beneficial to work with if chronic back pain is an issue. As with all Jaspers, Yellow Jasper will also help to absorb pain.
In general, Jasper is known as the “supreme nurturer”. It sustains and supports during times of stress, and brings tranquility and wholeness. Used in healing, Jasper unifies all aspects of your life. Jasper reminds people to help each other.
Properties for Stone: Yellow Jasper
Primary Chakra: Solar-Plexus-Chakra
Crystal System: Trigonal-Crystal-System
Chemical Composition: SiO2 Silicon Dioxide with various inclusions/impurities
Astrological Sign: Capricorn, Gemini, Leo
Numerical Vibration: Number-6
Hardness: 7-Hardness
Color: Yellow
Location: Africa, Brazil, India, Madagascar
Rarity: Common
Pronunciation: YELL-oh JAS-per
Mineral Class: Silicates
Issues and Ailments (Physical): Colon, Liver, Pain, Stomach, Vomiting
Issues and Ailments (Emotional): Positive-Energy
Issues and Ailments (Spiritual): Increasing-Positive-Energy, Protection-during-Spiritual-Work, Psychic-Protection, Reduce-Accidents, Travel-Safety
Extra Grade: Beautiful mustard yellow color, opaque, < 10% Matrix
A Grade: Nice mustard yellow color, opaque and/or <25 matrix="" p=""> B Grade: Poor color, opaque and/or >25% Matrix
Affirmation: I am protected and move safely through my life.
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Yellow Jasper aids and protects during all types of spiritual work. It is a companion stone, helping to guide you through these earth experiences and to keep you moving on your life path.
Yellow Jasper is a wonderful stone to utilize as it will protect and clear the body of environmental toxins and impurities. If you or someone you love is clumsy or accident prone, a gift of Yellow Jasper will help to ease these issues. Carry Yellow Jasper when you need a bo...ost of positive energy to infuse the body, mind and soul. Yellow Jasper is great for protection during spiritual work or physical travel.
Physically, Yellow Jasper can be used to help cleanse and detoxify the internal organs, including the liver, gall bladder and intestines. Yellow Jasper also helps to strengthen the immune system, relieve nausea and indigestion. Yellow Jasper can also be beneficial to work with if chronic back pain is an issue. As with all Jaspers, Yellow Jasper will also help to absorb pain.
In general, Jasper is known as the “supreme nurturer”. It sustains and supports during times of stress, and brings tranquility and wholeness. Used in healing, Jasper unifies all aspects of your life. Jasper reminds people to help each other.
Properties for Stone: Yellow Jasper
Primary Chakra: Solar-Plexus-Chakra
Crystal System: Trigonal-Crystal-System
Chemical Composition: SiO2 Silicon Dioxide with various inclusions/impurities
Astrological Sign: Capricorn, Gemini, Leo
Numerical Vibration: Number-6
Hardness: 7-Hardness
Color: Yellow
Location: Africa, Brazil, India, Madagascar
Rarity: Common
Pronunciation: YELL-oh JAS-per
Mineral Class: Silicates
Issues and Ailments (Physical): Colon, Liver, Pain, Stomach, Vomiting
Issues and Ailments (Emotional): Positive-Energy
Issues and Ailments (Spiritual): Increasing-Positive-Energy, Protection-during-Spiritual-Work, Psychic-Protection, Reduce-Accidents, Travel-Safety
Extra Grade: Beautiful mustard yellow color, opaque, < 10% Matrix
A Grade: Nice mustard yellow color, opaque and/or <25 matrix="" p=""> B Grade: Poor color, opaque and/or >25% Matrix
Affirmation: I am protected and move safely through my life.
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Joke of the Day ...
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(*_*) - Guilty
Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice.
"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."
"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."
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(*_*) - Guilty
Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice.
"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."
"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."
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Sunday, December 27, 2015
Jokes of the Day ...
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Why do vampires love baseball?
They enjoy anything with bats in it!
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Why do baby vampires not drink milk?
They like something they can sink their teeth into!
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Why do barbers never cut the hair of aliens with ray guns?
It’s easier with scissors!
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Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!.
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Why do vampires love baseball?
They enjoy anything with bats in it!
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Why do baby vampires not drink milk?
They like something they can sink their teeth into!
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Why do barbers never cut the hair of aliens with ray guns?
It’s easier with scissors!
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Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!.
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Saturday, December 26, 2015
Joke of the Day ....
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More Daffynitions ...
Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.
Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots.
Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians.
Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm.
Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins in Antarctica see.
Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.
Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines.
Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official
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More Daffynitions ...
Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.
Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots.
Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians.
Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm.
Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins in Antarctica see.
Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.
Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines.
Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official
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Friday, December 25, 2015
Jokes of the day ..
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Why do some teachers draw on windows?
To make the lesson clear!
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Why do hummingbirds hum?
They can’t remember the words!
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Why do dogs scratch themselves?
No one else knows where the itch is!
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What happened to the man who crossed his dog with a frog?
He got licked from across the room!.
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Why do some teachers draw on windows?
To make the lesson clear!
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Why do hummingbirds hum?
They can’t remember the words!
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Why do dogs scratch themselves?
No one else knows where the itch is!
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What happened to the man who crossed his dog with a frog?
He got licked from across the room!.
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Poem of the Day ...
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A Visit from St. Nicholas
BY CLEMENT CLARKE MOORE
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave a luster of midday to objects below,
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny rein-deer,
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to the housetop the coursers they flew
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too-
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight-
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
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A Visit from St. Nicholas
BY CLEMENT CLARKE MOORE
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave a luster of midday to objects below,
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny rein-deer,
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to the housetop the coursers they flew
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too-
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight-
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
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Thursday, December 24, 2015
Jokes of the Day ....
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Teacher: Who can include the word ‘politics’ in a sentence?
Pupil: After the parrot ate my watch Polly-tics!
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Why do monkeys climb trees?
The elevators are always broken!
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Why do poor canaries learn to talk just as quick as rich ones?
Because talk is cheep!
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels!
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Why do sheep never leave the field?
They all stand at the gate saying, “After ewe!”
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Teacher: Who can include the word ‘politics’ in a sentence?
Pupil: After the parrot ate my watch Polly-tics!
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Why do monkeys climb trees?
The elevators are always broken!
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Why do poor canaries learn to talk just as quick as rich ones?
Because talk is cheep!
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels!
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Why do sheep never leave the field?
They all stand at the gate saying, “After ewe!”
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Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Joke of the Day ....
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(*_*) - Washington Post
The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:
a.. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
b.. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
c.. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
d.. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
e.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
f.. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
g.. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
h.. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
i.. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
j.. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
k.. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
l.. Glibido: All talk and no action.
m.. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
n.. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
o.. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
p.. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
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(*_*) - Washington Post
The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:
a.. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
b.. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
c.. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
d.. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
e.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
f.. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
g.. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
h.. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
i.. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
j.. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
k.. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
l.. Glibido: All talk and no action.
m.. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
n.. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
o.. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
p.. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
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Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Joke of the Day ...
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(^_^) - 80 Year Old Couple Texting
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm in the bathroom. Please advise."
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(^_^) - 80 Year Old Couple Texting
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm in the bathroom. Please advise."
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Monday, December 21, 2015
In case you're feeling tired, here's why ...
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If you're feeling tired here's why ..
Chances are that you are sitting in a chair right now, so it seems like you are stationary. But in fact you are moving through the universe at a tremendous speed at this very moment. Let’s take a look at where all that motion is coming from.
The first thing to consider is the earth’s rotation. The earth is 24,900 miles in circumference at the equator, or 40,000 kilometers. The earth takes 24 hours to make one rotation. So:
24,900 / 24 = 1,037 MPH or 1,666 KPH
As you move toward the poles that number decreases. At the north pole the speed is zero and you are simply rotating in place at one rotation every 24 hours. So let’s assume you are sitting somewhere in South Florida moving at about 1,000 miles per hour or 1,610 KPH.
The Earth is also making one orbit around the sun every year. That sounds like a long time, but the orbit is huge. The Earth is roughly 93 million miles (150 million km) away from the sun, giving its orbit a circumference of 584 million miles (942 million km). That works out to 66,666 MPH or 107,000 KPH.
If you are on the side of the planet where the planet’s rotation is moving in the same direction as the orbital direction, these two speeds add together. If you are on the opposite side, they subtract. We are trying to calculate a maximum speed, so we will be adding.
Our solar system itself is also moving in an orbit around the galactic core. The solar system is something like 25,000 light years away from the center of the galaxy, and the galaxy makes one rotation every 250 million years or so. That gives the solar system a speed of something like 420,000 MPH or 675,000 KPH.
And then the galaxy itself is moving. The Milky Way and Andromeda galaxy are approaching each other with a speed of about 130 km/s, however the collision of these two galaxies will not occur for about 5 billion years (AstroFile). Another result I found was that our galaxy and neighbors are moving at 600 km/s in the direction of the constellation Hydra (Scientific American).
Finally, I found that the Milky Way moves through space within the cluster of galaxies it is a member of, and this cluster in turn moves through space towards yet another larger cluster of galaxies off in the direction of the constellation Virgo. This speed is approximately 300 km/s (Ask the Space Scientist).
So there is speculation that the galaxy is moving through the universe at a speed of 1,000 km/s, which means 3,600,000 KPH or 2,237,000 MPH.
Adding it all up, you get:
1000 + 66,666 + 420,000 + 2,237,000 = 2,724,666 MPH
Or
1,610 + 107,000 + 675,000 + 3,600,000 = 4,383,610 KPH
In other words, you are hurling through space at 2.7 million MPH (4.4 million KPH) even though it feels like you are sitting still.
whew! No wonder I'm exhausted!
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If you're feeling tired here's why ..
Chances are that you are sitting in a chair right now, so it seems like you are stationary. But in fact you are moving through the universe at a tremendous speed at this very moment. Let’s take a look at where all that motion is coming from.
The first thing to consider is the earth’s rotation. The earth is 24,900 miles in circumference at the equator, or 40,000 kilometers. The earth takes 24 hours to make one rotation. So:
24,900 / 24 = 1,037 MPH or 1,666 KPH
As you move toward the poles that number decreases. At the north pole the speed is zero and you are simply rotating in place at one rotation every 24 hours. So let’s assume you are sitting somewhere in South Florida moving at about 1,000 miles per hour or 1,610 KPH.
The Earth is also making one orbit around the sun every year. That sounds like a long time, but the orbit is huge. The Earth is roughly 93 million miles (150 million km) away from the sun, giving its orbit a circumference of 584 million miles (942 million km). That works out to 66,666 MPH or 107,000 KPH.
If you are on the side of the planet where the planet’s rotation is moving in the same direction as the orbital direction, these two speeds add together. If you are on the opposite side, they subtract. We are trying to calculate a maximum speed, so we will be adding.
Our solar system itself is also moving in an orbit around the galactic core. The solar system is something like 25,000 light years away from the center of the galaxy, and the galaxy makes one rotation every 250 million years or so. That gives the solar system a speed of something like 420,000 MPH or 675,000 KPH.
And then the galaxy itself is moving. The Milky Way and Andromeda galaxy are approaching each other with a speed of about 130 km/s, however the collision of these two galaxies will not occur for about 5 billion years (AstroFile). Another result I found was that our galaxy and neighbors are moving at 600 km/s in the direction of the constellation Hydra (Scientific American).
Finally, I found that the Milky Way moves through space within the cluster of galaxies it is a member of, and this cluster in turn moves through space towards yet another larger cluster of galaxies off in the direction of the constellation Virgo. This speed is approximately 300 km/s (Ask the Space Scientist).
So there is speculation that the galaxy is moving through the universe at a speed of 1,000 km/s, which means 3,600,000 KPH or 2,237,000 MPH.
Adding it all up, you get:
1000 + 66,666 + 420,000 + 2,237,000 = 2,724,666 MPH
Or
1,610 + 107,000 + 675,000 + 3,600,000 = 4,383,610 KPH
In other words, you are hurling through space at 2.7 million MPH (4.4 million KPH) even though it feels like you are sitting still.
whew! No wonder I'm exhausted!
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.Questions to Ponder Upon ...
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Questions to Ponder Upon ...
Why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?
Why can we drink a drink but not food a food?
Is there another word for synonym?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell is it homeless or naked?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
How do they get deer to cross at those yellow signs?
If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
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Joke of the Day ....
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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get another dog??
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting..
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get another dog??
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting..
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
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Sunday, December 20, 2015
Bonus Joke of the Day ....
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A Jewish Man, a French Man, and an Italian man are talking....
The Jewish man said, `Last week, my wife and I had great sex.
I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat),we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!'
The Frenchman boasted, `Last week when my wife and I had sex,
I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!'
The Italian man said, `Well, last week my wife and I also had sex.
I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!'
The other two were stunned.
The amazed Frenchman asked, `What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?'
The Italian said............ `I wiped my hands on the bedspread.'
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A Jewish Man, a French Man, and an Italian man are talking....
The Jewish man said, `Last week, my wife and I had great sex.
I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat),we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!'
The Frenchman boasted, `Last week when my wife and I had sex,
I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!'
The Italian man said, `Well, last week my wife and I also had sex.
I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!'
The other two were stunned.
The amazed Frenchman asked, `What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?'
The Italian said............ `I wiped my hands on the bedspread.'
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Joke of the Day ...
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Ƹ*_*Ʒ. Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. As she suspected it would be, the million- dollar question was no pushover. It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be an airhead. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The flakey friend responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a dim bulb, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand -- the woman had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."
Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is-...... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the woman who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way......how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on!" said the spacey gal. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
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Ƹ*_*Ʒ. Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. As she suspected it would be, the million- dollar question was no pushover. It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be an airhead. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The flakey friend responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a dim bulb, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand -- the woman had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."
Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is-...... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the woman who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way......how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on!" said the spacey gal. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
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Saturday, December 19, 2015
ASMR Extravaganza of the Day ....
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Please use headphones or ear buds to get all the ASMR goodness ...
ASMR After The Battle: Sci-Fi Suit Repair
French Whisperer Ghost Ships
3D Spa Role Play
3D Spa and Facial
Spa Treatment Role Play (Request)
ASMR Binaural Haircut Role Play for Relaxation
ASMR Eye Examination Role Play
ASMR Ear, Nose and Throat Examination
ASMR Facial, Ear Cleaning & Pampering
ASMR - Binaural Roleplay - "Fix You" episode 2
Binaural Make-up Role Play
ASMR Auriculotherapy Role Play
ASMR Ultimate Head and Scalp Massage Role Play
ASMR 10DOH Day 6: Cranial Nerve Examination,
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Please use headphones or ear buds to get all the ASMR goodness ...
ASMR After The Battle: Sci-Fi Suit Repair
French Whisperer Ghost Ships
3D Spa Role Play
3D Spa and Facial
Spa Treatment Role Play (Request)
ASMR Binaural Haircut Role Play for Relaxation
ASMR Eye Examination Role Play
ASMR Ear, Nose and Throat Examination
ASMR Facial, Ear Cleaning & Pampering
FX Make-up Artist Role Play
ASMR - Binaural Roleplay - "Fix You" episode 2
Binaural Make-up Role Play
ASMR Auriculotherapy Role Play
ASMR Ultimate Head and Scalp Massage Role Play
ASMR 10DOH Day 6: Cranial Nerve Examination,
Joke of the Day ...
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Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart.
I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,
"Aren't you going to return the other dress?
You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.."
Her mother just smiled and replied,
"Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding."
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Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart.
I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,
"Aren't you going to return the other dress?
You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.."
Her mother just smiled and replied,
"Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding."
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Friday, December 18, 2015
Joke of the Day ...
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A trucker came into a truck stop café and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."
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A trucker came into a truck stop café and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."
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Thursday, December 17, 2015
Joke of the Day ...
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(^_^) - DOG FOR SALE
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?', he asks.
'Yep', the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars', the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard.'
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(^_^) - DOG FOR SALE
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?', he asks.
'Yep', the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars', the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard.'
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Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Joke of the day ...
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A couple of new hires for a construction company drove the company pickup truck into a lumberyard. The youngest of the two walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The new guy paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the new guy returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
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A couple of new hires for a construction company drove the company pickup truck into a lumberyard. The youngest of the two walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The new guy paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the new guy returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
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Monday, December 14, 2015
There's No Joke Like a Snow Joke ....
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° _██_
˛. (´* ̮*)*.。
.°( . * . ) ˛°.
*(...'*'.. ) *
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite
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° _██_
˛. (´* ̮*)*.。
.°( . * . ) ˛°.
*(...'*'.. ) *
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite
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Nefarious Plot of the Day ...
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(^_^) - Murder at The Safeway
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared:
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"
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(^_^) - Murder at The Safeway
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared:
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"
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Observation of the day ....
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Only on YouTube can you log on to look at a music video and realize, three hours later, that you're watching a tutorial on how to talk to giraffes.
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Only on YouTube can you log on to look at a music video and realize, three hours later, that you're watching a tutorial on how to talk to giraffes.
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Joke of the Day ...
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There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing.
They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely.
They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.
One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."
So they got that, and they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."
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There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing.
They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely.
They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.
One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."
So they got that, and they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."
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Sunday, December 13, 2015
Jokes of the Day ...
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Why don’t rabbits like sad movies?
They only like movies with hoppy-endings!
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Why should you always keep glow worms in your backpack?
They lighten your load!
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Doctor, doctor, everyone thinks you’re a vampire!
Necks please!
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What happened to the man who crossed his dog with a cheetah?
It chased cars and caught them!
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Why don’t rabbits like sad movies?
They only like movies with hoppy-endings!
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Why should you always keep glow worms in your backpack?
They lighten your load!
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Doctor, doctor, everyone thinks you’re a vampire!
Necks please!
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What happened to the man who crossed his dog with a cheetah?
It chased cars and caught them!
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Saturday, December 12, 2015
Jokes of the Day ....
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Why was the chick disappointed with its life?
It wasn't all it was cracked up to be!
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Why was the cow always exercising?
It wanted to build up its moo-scles!
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Why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team?
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He took too long putting his shoes on!
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Why is it easy to spot Cinderella-fish?
They have glass flippers!
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Why was the chick disappointed with its life?
It wasn't all it was cracked up to be!
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Why was the cow always exercising?
It wanted to build up its moo-scles!
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Why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team?
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He took too long putting his shoes on!
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Why is it easy to spot Cinderella-fish?
They have glass flippers!
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Friday, December 11, 2015
Joke of the Day ...
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Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.
As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack.
The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked,
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted,
"If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed,
"Bring me my brown pants!"
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Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.
As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack.
The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked,
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted,
"If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed,
"Bring me my brown pants!"
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Thursday, December 10, 2015
Joke two of the day ..
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A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring, and not just a tiny stud, but a big hoop set with glittering red rhinestones..
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative guy and is curious about his sudden change in `fashion sense.'
The man walks up to him and says, `I didn't know you were into earrings.'
`Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
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A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring, and not just a tiny stud, but a big hoop set with glittering red rhinestones..
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative guy and is curious about his sudden change in `fashion sense.'
The man walks up to him and says, `I didn't know you were into earrings.'
`Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
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Cautionary tale of the day ...
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Driving Home
With the Holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
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Driving Home
With the Holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
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Joke of the Day ...
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Mr. Rollins is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
Mr. Rollins replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and smoking and the effects it has on the human body"
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Mr. Rollins replies, "That would be my wife."
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Mr. Rollins is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
Mr. Rollins replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and smoking and the effects it has on the human body"
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Mr. Rollins replies, "That would be my wife."
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Things to ponder of the day ...
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I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
Does this train of thought have a caboose?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
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I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
Does this train of thought have a caboose?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
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Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Joke of the Day ...
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Englishman, Scotsman and the 3 Cookies
An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.
The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"
The Scotsman says to the Englishman:
"Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."
He says to the baker,
"Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie... "
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous magic trick?"
The Scotsman says:
"Look in the Englishman's pocket!"
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Englishman, Scotsman and the 3 Cookies
An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.
The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"
The Scotsman says to the Englishman:
"Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."
He says to the baker,
"Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie... "
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous magic trick?"
The Scotsman says:
"Look in the Englishman's pocket!"
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Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Joke of the Day ....
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Outhouse
Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out... "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, " There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it."
So... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, look's around and yell's back, " There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!"
Pa yell's back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!"
Ma says "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back, "Ma there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollars back, " Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, " Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the Toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies "Hurt's , don't it?!
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Outhouse
Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out... "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, " There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it."
So... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, look's around and yell's back, " There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!"
Pa yell's back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!"
Ma says "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back, "Ma there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollars back, " Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, " Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the Toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies "Hurt's , don't it?!
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Monday, December 7, 2015
Third Joke of the Day ...
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A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said.
'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'
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A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said.
'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'
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Second Joke of the Day ...
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9 months later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)
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9 months later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)
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Joke of the Day ...
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While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
An attractive woman, jogging in place, was standing next to him. She eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that ?" she asked curiously..
"Tennis ball," came the reply. He was hoping this unusual answer would open the door to getting acquainted.
"Oh," said the pretty young woman sympathetically, "That must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once." Then the light changed and she jogged off.
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While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
An attractive woman, jogging in place, was standing next to him. She eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that ?" she asked curiously..
"Tennis ball," came the reply. He was hoping this unusual answer would open the door to getting acquainted.
"Oh," said the pretty young woman sympathetically, "That must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once." Then the light changed and she jogged off.
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Sunday, December 6, 2015
Joke of the Day ....
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Very Clever Words
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians!!
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV!!
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
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Very Clever Words
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians!!
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV!!
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
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Saturday, December 5, 2015
Joke of the Day ....
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.Ƹ*_*Ʒ. - Tickle Me Elmo Toys
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
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.Ƹ*_*Ʒ. - Tickle Me Elmo Toys
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
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Friday, December 4, 2015
Second Joke of the Day ....
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(^_^) - Do You Trust Your Husband?
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
For example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.
...........Did you say hello?"
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(^_^) - Do You Trust Your Husband?
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
For example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.
...........Did you say hello?"
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Joke of the Day ....
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A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and rambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
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A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and rambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
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Thursday, December 3, 2015
.Audiobook Recommendation of the Day
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Audiobook Recommendation of the Day
Unfamiliar Fishes – Unabridged
Sarah Vowell (Author, Narrator)
7 hours and 28 minutes
From Amazon -
"Many think of 1776 as the most defining year of American history, the year we became a nation devoted to the pursuit of happiness through self-government. In Unfamiliar Fishes, Sarah Vowell argues that 1898 might be a year just as crucial to our nation's identity, a year when, in an orgy of imperialism, the United States annexed Hawaii, Puerto Rico, and Guam, and invaded Cuba and then the Philippines, becoming a meddling, self-serving, militaristic international superpower practically overnight.
Read by the author a cast that includes Fred Armisen, Bill Hader, John Hodgman, Catherine Keener, Edward Norton, Keanu Reeves, Paul Rudd, Maya Rudolph, and John Slattery. Music by Michael Giacchino with Grant Lee-Phillips. The score contains excerpts from "Hawai'i Pono'i" (words by David Kalakaua and music by Henri Berger) performed by Grant-Lee Phillips."
My comments:
I love history, especially when it's rendered so amusing and accessible. There are lessons for current times in this wry look at the past. Never boring, the obvious zealous blind spots of the missionaries are softened by their positive contributions and understandable unquestioning bias. Usually histories of the destruction of native peoples leaves me depressed and saddened, but I have mellowed over the years and Sarah Vowell's retelling of the annexation of Hawaii is not depressing at all.
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Audiobook Recommendation of the Day
Unfamiliar Fishes – Unabridged
Sarah Vowell (Author, Narrator)
7 hours and 28 minutes
From Amazon -
"Many think of 1776 as the most defining year of American history, the year we became a nation devoted to the pursuit of happiness through self-government. In Unfamiliar Fishes, Sarah Vowell argues that 1898 might be a year just as crucial to our nation's identity, a year when, in an orgy of imperialism, the United States annexed Hawaii, Puerto Rico, and Guam, and invaded Cuba and then the Philippines, becoming a meddling, self-serving, militaristic international superpower practically overnight.
Read by the author a cast that includes Fred Armisen, Bill Hader, John Hodgman, Catherine Keener, Edward Norton, Keanu Reeves, Paul Rudd, Maya Rudolph, and John Slattery. Music by Michael Giacchino with Grant Lee-Phillips. The score contains excerpts from "Hawai'i Pono'i" (words by David Kalakaua and music by Henri Berger) performed by Grant-Lee Phillips."
My comments:
I love history, especially when it's rendered so amusing and accessible. There are lessons for current times in this wry look at the past. Never boring, the obvious zealous blind spots of the missionaries are softened by their positive contributions and understandable unquestioning bias. Usually histories of the destruction of native peoples leaves me depressed and saddened, but I have mellowed over the years and Sarah Vowell's retelling of the annexation of Hawaii is not depressing at all.
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Joke of the day ....
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4 Catholic ladies are having tea together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him `Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, `Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, `Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2″, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, `Oh my God...'."
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4 Catholic ladies are having tea together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him `Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, `Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, `Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2″, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, `Oh my God...'."
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Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Joke of the Day ....
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies." He responded.
"Oh! Are you killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked ..... "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies." He responded.
"Oh! Are you killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked ..... "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Joke of the Day ...
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(^_^) Klonsky's Shoe Repair in the Bronx
Ira Kaplan hadn't returned to the old neighborhood since he went off to fight in Vietnam.
During a business trip to New York he visits his old neighborhood on Kotler Avenue in the Bronx.
Everything has changed over the years. Where once there was Edelstein's Delicatessen, there is now a McDonald's; where Fleischman's Dry Cleaning (One-Hour Martinizing) used to be, a Korean nail salon and spa now is; where Ginsberg's Department Store was, there is now a Gap.
Nothing is the same, except for the narrow storefront of Klonsky's Shoe Repair, which, dimly lit as ever, is still in business. As Kaplan passes the shop, he recalls (such are the quirks of memory that he does not know how) that just before he was drafted to go off to Vietnam, he had left a pair of shoes with Mr. Klonsky that he never bothered to pick up. Could they, he wonders, possibly still be there?
A small bell tinkles as he enters the dark shop.
Mr. Klonsky, who seemed old 40 years ago, shuffles out from the back.
He is hunched over, wearing a leather apron, one eye all but closed.
"Excuse me, Mr. Klonsky," Kaplan says, "but I used to live in this neighborhood, and 40 years ago I left a pair of shoes with you for repair that I never picked up. Is there any chance you might still have them?"
Klonsky stares at him and, in his strong Eastern European accent, asks, "Vas dey black wingtips?"
"They were indeed," Kaplan only now recalls.
"And you wanted a halve sole, with rubber heels?"
"Yes," says Kaplan. "That's exactly what I wanted."
"And you wanted taps on the heels only?"
"Yes, yes," says Kaplan. "Amazing! Do you still have them?"
Mr. Klonsky looks up at him, with his good eye asquint, and says,
...................."They'll be ready Wednesday."
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(^_^) Klonsky's Shoe Repair in the Bronx
Ira Kaplan hadn't returned to the old neighborhood since he went off to fight in Vietnam.
During a business trip to New York he visits his old neighborhood on Kotler Avenue in the Bronx.
Everything has changed over the years. Where once there was Edelstein's Delicatessen, there is now a McDonald's; where Fleischman's Dry Cleaning (One-Hour Martinizing) used to be, a Korean nail salon and spa now is; where Ginsberg's Department Store was, there is now a Gap.
Nothing is the same, except for the narrow storefront of Klonsky's Shoe Repair, which, dimly lit as ever, is still in business. As Kaplan passes the shop, he recalls (such are the quirks of memory that he does not know how) that just before he was drafted to go off to Vietnam, he had left a pair of shoes with Mr. Klonsky that he never bothered to pick up. Could they, he wonders, possibly still be there?
A small bell tinkles as he enters the dark shop.
Mr. Klonsky, who seemed old 40 years ago, shuffles out from the back.
He is hunched over, wearing a leather apron, one eye all but closed.
"Excuse me, Mr. Klonsky," Kaplan says, "but I used to live in this neighborhood, and 40 years ago I left a pair of shoes with you for repair that I never picked up. Is there any chance you might still have them?"
Klonsky stares at him and, in his strong Eastern European accent, asks, "Vas dey black wingtips?"
"They were indeed," Kaplan only now recalls.
"And you wanted a halve sole, with rubber heels?"
"Yes," says Kaplan. "That's exactly what I wanted."
"And you wanted taps on the heels only?"
"Yes, yes," says Kaplan. "Amazing! Do you still have them?"
Mr. Klonsky looks up at him, with his good eye asquint, and says,
...................."They'll be ready Wednesday."
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Poem of the day ....
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Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening - Robert Frost
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
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Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening - Robert Frost
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
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