Jokes of the day ....

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What is a bird’s favorite cookie?
Chocolate chirp
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Why do leopards have a hard time hiding?
Because they are always spotted!
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What has wheels and a trunk but no engine?
An elephant on roller skates!


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Quote of the day ....

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“And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.”
― George Eliot, Middlemarch


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Jokes of the day ...

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What does a camel use to become invisible?
Camel-flage!
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How do turtles talk to each other?
They use shell phones.


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Jokes of the day ...

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Have you heard the latest statistic joke yet?
Probably ...
=====================
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.


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Jokes of the day ...

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What is the best way to catch a fish?
Have someone throw you one!
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What kind of car does Mickey Mouse’s wife drive?
A Minnie Van!


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ASMR video of the day ...

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Very relaxing, please wear headphones or earbuds ...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDE3zvGaWWk


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Shakespearean insults of the day ...

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfdJ4vkmwX0&list=PLpcmfuCdOz2ZPt17LAmJ9HaZYplzHOKPo


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Quote of the day ....

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“Never lie in bed at night asking yourself questions you can't answer.”
― Charles M. Schulz


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Joke of the day ...

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When does a baseball player wear armor?
At the knight games!


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Shakespearean Insult of the day ...

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 From Lear: "A knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch: one whom I will beat into clamorous whining, if thou deniest the least syllable of thy addition."


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.Castle of the day ....

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Castle of the day ....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQckBgR-E98


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Quote of the day ...

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“I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.”
― Demetri Martin


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Jokes of the day ...

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What did the baseball glove say to the baseball?
“Catch you later”
---------------------------------------
Why can’t you tell a joke while ice skating?
Because the ice might crack up!


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Shakespearean Insult of the day ..

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“[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!”
― William Shakespeare, Henry IV: Part 1


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Joke of the day .....

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Why should bowling alleys be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!


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Jokes of the day ....

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Question: What’s red and white and goes around and around?


Answer: Santa Claus stuck in a revolving door!


===============


Question: How many presents can Santa fit into an empty sack?


Answer: One, after that it’s not empty!


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Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?


Answer: Frostbite!


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Knock Knock!


Who’s there?


Mary and Abbey.


Mary and Abbey who?


Mary Christmas and Abbey New Year!

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Quote of the day ...

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“You wouldn't have won if we'd beaten you.”
― Yogi Berra


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Too true ...

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“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. ”
― Wendell Johnson


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Jokes of the day ....

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-----------------------------------


Question: Why did Santa run around his bed on Christmas morning?


Answer: To catch up on his sleep!


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Question: Why did the snowman name his dog Frost?


Answer: Because Frost bites!


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Question: Where do the three wise men get their robes tailored?


Answer: Bethle-HEM!


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Question: Why is Santa so good at karate?


Answer: Because he has a black belt!


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Question: What do you get when you cross a peanut with a duck?


Answer: A nut quacker.


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Question: What do you call Santa’s helpers?


Answer: Subordinate Clauses.

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Jokes of the day ...

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Question: What did the spider want for Christmas?


Answer: A web-site!


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Question: What do elves do after school?


Answer: Their Gnomework.


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Question: Why did the thermometer break?


Answer: The temperature dropped!


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Question: What does Santa Claus plant in his garden?


Answer: Christmas bulbs!


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Question: Where do sheep buy their Christmas presents?


Answer: At Wool-Mart!


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Question: Why was the computer quiet on Christmas Eve?


Answer: Because, not a creature was stirring… not even a mouse!


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Jokes of the day ....

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==========


Knock Knock!


Who’s there?


Avery.


Avery who?


Avery Merry Christmas!


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Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a polar bear?


Answer: A brrr-grrr.


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Question: What is a snake’s favorite Christmas carol?


Answer: Sssssilver Bells!


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Question: What do elves learn in school?


Answer: The elf-abet.


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Question: Why did Santa get a ticket?


Answer: He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone!


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Jokes of the day .....

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Question: What do you get when you cross a flying saucer with Santa Claus?
Answer: A UF Ho, Ho, Ho!
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Question: What did the grape say to the peanut butter?
Answer: “Tis the season to be jelly!”
=============================
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Tree.
Tree who?
Tree Wise Men!
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Question: Why does Santa have a garden?
Answer: So he can hoe, hoe, hoe!
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Question: What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
Answer: A cookie sheet!
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Question: Which reindeer has bad manners?
Answer: Rude-olph!
------------------------------------
Question: How do snowmen greet each other?
Answer: “Ice to meet you!”
==========


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Jokes of the day ....

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Question: What nationality is Santa Claus?


Answer: North Polish!


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Question: What kind of bird can write?


Answer: A pen-guin


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Question: What did the short candle say to the tall candle?


Answer: "I’m going out tonight!"


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Question: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?


Answer: Because he had low elf-esteem.


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Question: What do you get when you cross an Eskimo and a cow?


Answer: An Eskimoo!


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Question: How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?


Answer: "Fleece Navidad!"


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Question: What’s the best Christmas present in the world?


Answer: A broken drum - you just can't beat it.


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Question: What comes at the end of Christmas day?


Answer: The letter "y".


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Quote of the day ...

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“What you call your personality, you know? --it's not like actual bones, or teeth, something solid. It's more like a flame. A flame can be upright, and a flame can flicker in the wind, a flame can be extinguished so there's no sign of it, like it had never been. ”
― Joyce Carol Oates, I Am No One You Know


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Jokes of the day ...

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----------------------------


Knock Knock!


Who’s there?


Irish.


Irish who?


Irish you a Merry Christmas!


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Question: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney?


Answer: Because it soots him!


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Question: What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? Answer: The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.


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Question: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?


Answer: "I’ll never part with it!"


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Um ... what?

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“Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground.”
― Jarod Kintz


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Quote of the day ....

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“The written word, obviously, is very inward, and when we're reading, we're thinking. It's a sort of spiritual, meditative activity. When we're looking at visual objects, I think our eyes are obviously directed outward, so there's not as much reflective time. And it's the reflectiveness and the spiritual inwardness about reading that appeals to me.”
― Joyce Carol Oates


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Jokes of the day .....

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Question: How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?


Answer: He felt his presents.


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Knock Knock!


Who’s there?


Donut. Donut who?


Donut open your presents ‘til Christmas!


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Question: When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?


Answer: In the dictionary!


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Question: Why did Santa buy a brown cow?


Answer: Because he wanted chocolate milk!


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Question: Why does Mrs. Claus do her laundry in Tide?


Answer: Because it’s too cold out-tide!


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Question: What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?


Answer: You get Tinsel-itis!


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Question: How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?


Answer: Nothing, it was on the house!


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Quote of the day ....

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“Writing is a consequence of having been 'haunted' by material. Why this is, no one knows.”
― Joyce Carol Oates


(This is so true. At night, when the moon is just right, I can see Eric's white face in the woods behind my house, looking up at my window with an expression I can not read.)


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Jokes of the day ...

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Question: What kind of candle burns longer , a red candle or a green candle?


Neither, candles burn shorter.


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Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?


Answer: Snowflakes!


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Question: What is the fear of Santa Claus called?


Answer: Claus-trophobia!


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Quote of the day ....

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“Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.”
― Lewis Carroll


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Joyce Carol Oates quote of the day ...

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“A daydreamer is prepared for most things.”
― Joyce Carol Oates


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Jokes of the day ....

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----------------------------------------

Question: What goes, "Oh, Oh, Oh?"

Answer: Santa walking backwards!

------------------------------------

Question: Why did the elf put his little wood bed in the fireplace?

Answer: He wanted to sleep like a log!

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Question: Why did the Christmas cookie go to the doctor?

Answer: He felt crummy.

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Joyce Carol Oates quote of the day ..

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“Reading is the sole means by which we slip, involuntarily, often helplessly, into another's skin, another's voice, another's soul.”
― Joyce Carol Oates


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Quote of the day ....

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“I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny, but we can have lots of good fun that is funny.”
― Dr. Seuss, The Cat in the Hat


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Joke of the day ...

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Question: What happened when Santa got a parking ticket on his sleigh?
Answer: He got Mistle-towed!


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.Hedges of the day ...

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Hedges of the day ...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tf_5ZEG092Y


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Quote of the day ....

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“What an astonishing thing a book is. It's a flat object made from a tree with flexible parts on which are imprinted lots of funny dark squiggles. But one glance at it and you're inside the mind of another person, maybe somebody dead for thousands of years. Across the millennia, an author is speaking clearly and silently inside your head, directly to you. Writing is perhaps the greatest of human inventions, binding together people who never knew each other, citizens of distant epochs. Books break the shackles of time. A book is proof that humans are capable of working magic."
[Cosmos, Part 11: The Persistence of Memory (1980)]”
― Carl Sagan, Cosmos


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Question of the day ....

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“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
― George Carlin


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Joke of the day ....

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Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Peas.
Peas who?
Peas open the door and let me in.


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Joke of the day ..

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Knock knock.
Who's there?
Canoe
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with this door?


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.Hedges of the day ....

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Hedges of the day ....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxk23JhMKjI


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Quote of the day ....

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“Things to do today:
1) Breathe in.
2) Breathe out.”
― Ned Vizzini


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Too true ...

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“It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.”
― Yogi Berra


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Joke of the day ....

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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
 A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.


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.Hedges of the day .....

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Hedges of the day .....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRQjxc92YuU


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Works for me ....

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“Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson


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That's why ...

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Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about America?
Because freedom rings.


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Joke of the day ....

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Handsome
Handsome who?
Handsome one the key so they can open the door!


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Joke of the day ...

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Knock knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and answer the door!


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.Hedge of the day ....

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Hedge of the day ....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7aDbis2gsU


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Quote of the day ....

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“If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.”
― Jarod Kintz


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Denial is not just a river in Egypt ...

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“I never said most of the things I said.”
― Yogi Berra


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Joke of the day ....

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Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Abbott!
Abbott who?
Abbott time you opened this door!


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.Tree creatures of the day ....

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Tree creatures of the day ....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JYoJRQMSsE


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.Hide the scissors ......

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Hide the scissors ......
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IV-axLPCO38


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Movie quote of the day ...

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Movie quote of the day ....


"The stuff that dreams are made of."

Sam Spade


Humphrey Bogart - The Maltese Falcon - 1941


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Quote of the day ....

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“The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but 'That's funny...”
― Isaac Asimov


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Joke of the day ....

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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have long to wait before we eat?


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.Cake Decorating mistakes of the day ....

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Cake Decorating mistakes of the day ....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zgl7zpvjWcI


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Joke of the day ...

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Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toby
Toby who?
Toby or not Toby.


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Too true ...

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“The future ain't what it used to be.”
― Yogi Berra


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Joke of the day ....

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Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!


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.Ghost photos of the day ....

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Ghost photos of the day ....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KAb8Vm-Ot4


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.BBC documentary of the day ....

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BBC documentary of the day ....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVZ8EjZOOeo


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Advice of the day ...

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“When you come to a fork in the road take it”
― Yogi Berra


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Joke of the day ....

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Knock Knock
Who's there? 
Sabina !
Sabina who?
Sabina a long time since I've seen you !


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Weird or what?

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlzyP_MdC1U


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Movie quote of the day ....

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"Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast."
 Carl Denham
Robert Armstrong - King Kong 1933


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Quote of the day ....

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“Don't gobblefunk around with words.”
― Roald Dahl


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.Joke of the day ...

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How many skunks does it take to make a bad smell?
A phew.


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.Castle of the day ...

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Castle of the day ...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yefw4aa6ErA


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ASMR relaxing video of the day .....

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ASMR relaxing video of the day ....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MJ4znyNIM8


You will need headphones or ear buds to get the full effect.


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.Need a new hairstyle?.....

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Need a new hairstyle?.....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JU0ujbR_LNo


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.BBC Documentary of the day ....

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BBC Documentary of the day ....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtoUQ_-kwpc


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Movie quote of the day ...

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"My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you."
George M. Cohan
James Cagney - Yankee Doodle Dandy 1942


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How true ...

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“If you don't know where you are going,
you'll end up someplace else.”
― Yogi Berra


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Quote of the day ....

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“From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!”
― Dr. Seuss, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish


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Movie Quote of the day ...

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"I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!"
Wicked Witch of the West
Margaret Hamilton
The Wizard of Oz 1939


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Question of the day ....

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“If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?”
― Jerry Seinfeld


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Quote of the day ....

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“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
― Winston S. Churchill


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Joke of the day ....

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Knock Knock. .
Who's there?!
B-4 !
B-4 who ?
B-4 I freeze to death, please open this door !


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