Jokes and stuff

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I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where in the heck is the ceiling? "

My reality check bounced. 

He was slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 

Everyone is someone else's weirdo. 

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. 

Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted. 

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

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“I should never be left alone with my mind for too long.”

― Libba Bray

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“I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.” 

― Johnny Depp

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“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

― Steven Wright

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“When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. ” 

― Dave Barry

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“When in doubt, look intelligent.”

― Garrison Keillor

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I would tell a joke about macaroni but it's too cheesy.

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An incompetent ship captain grounds the warship he walks on.

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What is a mouse's favorite game?

Hide and Squeak

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Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

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Why do witches make such good friends?

They worship the ground you walk on.

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