Jokes and stuff

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 What happened when the man crossed his dog with a forest? 

There was a lot of bark-ing! 

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Pupil: Why are you dipping your toes in the swimming pool Miss?

Teacher: I’m testing the water!

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Quarantine comes from the French "qarante" for 40. Whenever a ship arriving in port was suspected of being infected it had to forego contact with the shore for a period of about 40 days.

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A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

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Which president was least guilty?

Lincoln. He is in a cent.

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Did you hear about the optician?

Two glasses and he made a spectacle of himself.

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Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

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Why don't penguins fly?

They're not tall enough to be pilots

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“The ideals which have always shone before me and filled me with joy are goodness, beauty, and truth.” 

― Albert Einstein 

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“Laws alone can not secure freedom of expression; in order that every man present his views without penalty there must be spirit of tolerance in the entire population.” 

― Albert Einstein 

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“The only real valuable thing is intuition.” 

― Albert Einstein 

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The earthquake in Washington was obviously the government’s fault.

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Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes

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“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.” 

― Steven Wright

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