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https://www.nookaudiobooks.com/audiobook/33547/cosmopolis
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Wednesday, September 30, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.
That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman.
She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
===========
“If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.”
― Dave Barry
==========
“With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.”
― Jarod Kintz
===============
“A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.”
― Johnny Depp
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“Laughter is carbonated holiness.”
― Anne Lamott
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Q: Why don't you do math in the jungle?
A: Because if you add 4+4 you get ate!
=========
Q: Where do math teachers go on vacation?
A: To Times Square.
============
Q. How do you catch a squirrel?
A. Climb into a tree and act like a nut.
==============
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."
"I don't much care where –"
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
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Tuesday, September 29, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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What do you get when you put pictures of the Kings of Russia on a flag?
The Tsar-Spangled Banner.
============
A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.
He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie. So, he had an idea. He sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of the children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent.
He liked one of the homes and the agent asked : "How many children do you have ?"
He answered : "12 children".
The agent asked "Where are the others ?"
The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the cemetery with their mother".
And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.
MORAL : It is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words.
Lawyers don't lie ...they are creative ....
============
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
― George Burns
=========
“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
― Steven Wright
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“If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.”
― Philip K. Dick
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I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
===========
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
And what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg
==========
A horse is a very stable animal.
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Monday, September 28, 2020
Kindle
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The Whig Party: The History and Legacy of the Influential Political Party in 19th Century America
The Haitian Revolution: The History and Legacy of the Slave Uprising that Led to Haiti’s Independence
The War of the Sicilian Vespers: The History and Legacy of Sicily’s Rebellion against the French in the Late 13th Century
Orb Stones and Geoglyphs: A Writer's Journey
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Kindle
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The Assassin's Doctor: The Life and Letters of Dr. Samuel A. Mudd
Constructive
Anger
Gang
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Jokes and stuff
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I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where in the heck is the ceiling? "
My reality check bounced.
He was slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
=============
“I should never be left alone with my mind for too long.”
― Libba Bray
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“I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.”
― Johnny Depp
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“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
― Steven Wright
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“When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. ”
― Dave Barry
============
“When in doubt, look intelligent.”
― Garrison Keillor
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I would tell a joke about macaroni but it's too cheesy.
============
An incompetent ship captain grounds the warship he walks on.
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What is a mouse's favorite game?
Hide and Squeak
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Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
==========
Why do witches make such good friends?
They worship the ground you walk on.
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Sunday, September 27, 2020
Kindle
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Bermuda (Herman Ingram Book One): The first book in the Herman Ingram suspense-thriller series
Spencer University Cozy Mystery Boxed Set (A Spencer University Cozy Mystery)
Egyptian Myths and Mysteries
The Judas Personality: A Primer for Victims
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Saturday, September 26, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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"It is bad enough that so many people believe things without any evidence. What is worse is that some people have no conception of evidence and regard facts as just someone else's opinion."
~ Thomas Sowell
=============
What cat purrs the most?
Purr-sian!
================
What class does a butterfly like best?
Mothematics!
=========
“I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass
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Kindle
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Smack Dab in the Middle (A Southern B&B Mystery Series Book 2)
Lexington
Kiana
Cherokees
Turing
Jay
Choosing Life: My Father’s Journey in Film from Hollywood to Hiroshima
DIY
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Friday, September 25, 2020
Kindle
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Chutneys & Thokkus: 45 Plant Based, Gluten Free, Low Calorie Recipes
The Day Free Energy Died: Nikola Tesla's Nightmare (Nikola Tesla - Suppressed History Book 1)
The Cambridge Modern History
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Jokes and stuff
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=================
What did the farmer say when he lost his sheep?
Where’s my sheep?
===================
There's no i in denial.
=================
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
=======================
Guess who I saw yesterday?
Everyone I looked at
===========
Pupil: How did you know I copied from Johnny?
Teacher: For question 12 he wrote, "Don't know" and you wrote, "Me neither"!
=================
What did the dog say when it sat on some bark?
Ruff!
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“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”
― Lily Tomlin
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“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
― Groucho Marx
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“When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.”
― Winston Churchill
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
― George Carlin
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“I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.”
― Bill Watterson
============
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
===========
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
============
Why don't sharks eat divorce lawyers? Professional courtesy.
============
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
============
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
=============
A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'
The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'
The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'
The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.'
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Free Nook Books
Free Nook Books
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This is a constantly updating list of free Nook Books. The categories are on the left side of the page.
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Thursday, September 24, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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Yogi Berra Quotes
"Yogi-isms"
"80 percent of the balls that don't reach the hole, don't go in." - on golf
"The wind always seems to blow against catchers when they are running."
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
"It's like deja vu all over again."
"I usually take a two-hour nap, from one o'clock to four."
"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's going to stop them."
"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"
"I didn't really say everthing I said."
"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going because you might not get there."
"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."
"Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded."
"I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house."
"Little League Baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets."
"It gets late early out there."
"He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious."
"I don't know. They had bags over their heads." - when asked if the fans that ran naked on the field were men or women
Asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded his expectations this season: "I'd say he's done more than that."
On the aquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson: "He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light."
"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."
"The game isn't over until it's over."
"You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours."
When told by the New York mayor's wife that he looked cool in his new summer suit, Yogi said, "You don't look so hot yourself."
"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
============
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
======
What do you call a prehistoric ghost?
A terror-dactyl!
==================
What did the math book say to the science book?
I've got problems!
============
What did the pencil say to the eraser?
Take me to your ruler.
==============
Is the glass half empty or half full?
Full -
1/2 water 1/2 air.
============
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
===========
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
=============
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
============
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
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Wednesday, September 23, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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Doctor, doctor I feel like a pair of drapes!
Pull yourself together!
===================
Doctor, doctor, everyone keeps disagreeing with me!
No they don't!
===========
Why do cows wear cowbells? Because their horns don't work.
==========
Old burglars never die they just steal away.
===========
An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.
============
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
========
What's a cow eating the grass in front of your home?
A lawn mooer.
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“How puzzling all these changes are! I'm never sure what I'm going to be, from one minute to another.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
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Tuesday, September 22, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola!
============================
What do frogs order when they go out for lunch?
French Flies!
========
Think about how you would answer.
MY ABC's
A- Age:
B- Biggest Fear:
C- Current Time:
D- Drink you last had:
E- Easiest Person To Talk to:
F- Favorite Movie:
G- Grossest memory:
H- Hometown:
I- In love with:
J- Jealous Of:
K- Killed Someone?
L- Longest Relationship:
M- Middle Name:
N- Number of Siblings:
O- One wish:
P- Person who you last called:
Q- Question you're always asked:
R- Reason to smile:
S- Song last sang:
T- Time you woke up:
U- Underwear Color:
V- Vacation Destination:
W- Worst Habit:
X- Xrays you've had:
Y- Your favorite food:
Z- Zodiac Sign:
=============
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I'm telling you this joke?
============
There were two men hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly grabs his chest and collapses. The other calls 911 and says to the operator: "Help, my friend just collapsed, I think he just died." The operator replies, "Ok, don't panic. First, make sure he's dead" There is silence and then a gunshot. The man says to the operator, "Ok, now what?"
==========
What did one wall say to the other wall?
Meet you at the corner.
============
“Do you know, I always thought unicorns were fabulous monsters, too? I never saw one alive before!"
Well, now that we have seen each other," said the unicorn, "if you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland And Through The Looking Glass
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Kindle
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Manhunter: Frank Hamer, Texas Ranger
The Book On Evil, Wicked, Mean, & Nasty: A Whimsical Guide To Payback And Revenge
Blue Planet Blues Vol. 1 Hitchhiking the Psychedelic Matrix: The Memoirs of Holly Avila
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Monday, September 21, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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(*_*) - Making Friends the Facebook Way
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore every day, I go down on the street and tell the passers by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done or where we had dinner the night before, and what I will be doing today
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me doing some gardening and spending time by my pool.
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them, and it works :
I already have 3 people following me: 2 Police Officers and a Psychiatrist.
============
When Einstein got married, his wife told him, "I need two things from you, time and space", to which Einstein replied, "What's the other thing?"
==============
What do batman and sixteen sodiums have in common? Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na.
============
There's a party and all the smooth functions are invited. At the party, e^(x) stays in a corner away from everyone else. e^(2x) goes to e^(x) and says, "Come integrate with everyone else" but e^(x) only cries, "It won't make a difference!"
==============
So a man had sodium chloride and a 9 volt in his car. A cop pulled him over, searched him, and charged him with a salt and battery.
============
Gold asks Zinc out on a date but Zinc says "Sorry, I'm Zn someone else"
Gold replies "Awww!"
==========
How many ears does Spock have? Three - a right ear, a left ear, and a final front ear.
=========
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb ?
Only one, but the bulb has to WANT to change.
==============
Helium walks into a bar,
Bartender says we don't serve noble gases here,
Helium doesn't react, then starts to laugh.
He He He
=============
Two guys stole a calendar.... they each got 6 months.
=======
What do you call a fish in it's first stage?
A beta.
============
Why wouldn't Oedipus swear?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
=============
Did you hear about the scientist who read a book about helium? He couldn't put it down.
=============
A photon checks into a hotel. The clerk says, "Do you need help with any luggage?" The photon says, "I don't have any. I'm traveling light.
============
How many Hogwarts Students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Gryffindor to volunteer to climb a ladder and change it. A Slytherin to try and knock him off the ladder. A Hufflepuff to scold the Slytherin and make sure the ladder stays sturdy and a Ravenclaw to point out they could have just used a spell.
============
Why did the cookie go the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy.
=============
What do you call a measuring cup that just finished school?
A graduated cylinder.
=================
Sodium went to a pool party and it really blew up from there.
============
A neutrino walks into a bar.
The bartender says, " We don´t serve neutrinos."
The neutrino shrugs and replies: "That's OK. I was just passing through anyway."
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Kindle
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The White Magic Five and Dime: A Tarot Mystery (Tarot Mysteries Book 1)
The Heir of Thornfield Manor
The Life Story of Frederick Douglass,
Healing from Toxic Relationships
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Sunday, September 20, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O K," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a birdwatching group came by.
The group leader halted and pointed the birds out, saying in a hushed voice, "And here we have the rare basking robins."
============
“The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.”
― Neil Gaiman
============
“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
― Groucho Marx
=============
“Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.”
― Jarod Kintz,
========
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
― Drew Carey
============
“Just remember, when you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.”
― Charles M. Schulz
=============
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi.
===========
Why did he leave the party?
Because there wasn't mushroom.
==========
He was so poor the ducks threw bread at him.
============
He was so fat his shirt said "I can't fit you."
============
Q. What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A. "Where's pop corn?"
==========
Q. How do you get a mouse to smile?
A. Say cheese!!...
=========
There was an older couple that went to the doctor together.
The husband went in first and told the doctor "I'm worried about my wife. I think she's loosing her hearing, but I don't want to get her upset about it. What can I do to find out how bad her hearing is?"
The doctor said "Well, when you go home ask her something from a distance. Find out if she can hear you. Get a little bit closer, ask her again, see if she can hear you. And then let me know how close you have to be to her for her to finally hear you and then I can determine how bad her hearing is."
That evening they were home and the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner.
The husband stood in the living room and asks "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No reaction, she's still cooking.
He gets a little bit closer, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no reaction.
He gets to the kitchen doorway. He asks her again, in a louder voice this time. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still, no reaction.
He comes up right behind her and says again. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She turns around and says, "For heavens sake! Meatloaf, green beans and boiled potatoes, I told you four times already!"
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Saturday, September 19, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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Pious Man
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
=============
“Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while”
― Groucho Marx
============
“An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.”
― Winston Churchill
===========
Knock knock
Who's there?
Howard
Howard who?
How-ward I know
========
Knock knock
who's there?
ice cream
ice cream who?
ice cream and ice cream until you open the door
=========
Q. Why are ghosts bad at hiding items behind their back?
A. Because you can see right through them.
===========
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.
=========
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because its faster than walking.
===========
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
======
What did the dog say to the tree?
Bark.
===========
Why did the pair of shoes go to Heaven?
They had good soles!
========
How hot was Princess Leia's bath water?
It was luke-warm.
============
What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
WA-TA!
========
“Why it's simply impassible!
Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?
Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
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Kindle
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The Monitor and the Merrimac: Both sides of the story
Lincoln's Last Hours
Bad Habits No More: 25 Steps to Break Any Bad Habit
Army Life in a Black Regiment
Heroines of World War II
Western
The Fairy-Faith in Celtic Countries
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Friday, September 18, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Botany.
Botany who?
Botany good books lately?
=================
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Yacht!
Yacht who?
Yacht a know me by now!
====================
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno that I'm out here, right?
===================
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Says!
Says who?
Says me, that's who!
==========
Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!
So what?
I’m worried I might croak!
================
What do frogs buy at the candy store?
Lolli-hops!
========
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
===========
What's Irish and sits on your deck?
Paddy O'Furniture.
===========
What happened to the man who ran through a screen door?
He strained himself.
===========
What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?
A mini-van.
=========
What do you call an American drawing?
A yankee doodle.
===========
What was the camel with no hump named?
Humphrey.
=============
“Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make ONE respectable person!”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
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Free Nook Books
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.
.
.
.
This is a constantly updating list of free Nook Books. The categories are on the left side of the page.
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Kindle
.
.
.
The Wild and Twisted Branch: The Story of Stavros Metropoulos and How He Survived the Greek Civil War
Duel in Glenfinnan
Soviet Union in World War 2: A Captivating Guide to Life in the Soviet Union and Some of the Main Events on the Eastern Front Such as the Battle of Stalingrad, Battle of Kursk, and Siege of Leningrad
Asia
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Thursday, September 17, 2020
Kindle
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Jefferson's Godfather, the Man Behind the Man: George Wythe, Mentor to the Founding Fathers
Battle
Krishna
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Jokes and stuff
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What did the dog say when it sat on a fallen tree?
Bark!
===========
What do frogs and toads love to listen to?
Hip hop!
========
Saying gravity is an attractive force between two bodies is like saying an earthquake is some dishes rattling in the cupboard.
From "The Idiot's Guide to String Theory"
============
“I've always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments.”
― John Barrowman
==========
“I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.”
― Ronald Reagan
==========
“One of the world's most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer "a deck of cards" or "Anna Karenina" when the obvious answer is "a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want.”
― Lemony Snicket
===========
“The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.”
― George Bernard Shaw
==========
“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”
― Lily Tomlin
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What kind of tree do fingers grow on?
A palm tree.
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This duck walks into a drug store and asks for Chapstick.
"Four bucks," says the clerk.
"Put it on my bill," replies the duck.
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Why isn't whispering permitted in class?
Because it's not aloud.
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They arrested the bartender for taking liquor home. I believe the official charge was "emboozlement."
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Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
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What happens to illegally parked frogs? They get toad away.
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Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
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It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.
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“The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for some time in silence: at last the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth, and addressed her in a languid, sleepy voice.
'Who are you?' said the Caterpillar.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I — I hardly know, sir, just at present — at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'
'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. 'Explain yourself!'
'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself, you see.'
'I don't see,' said the Caterpillar.
'I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly,' Alice replied very politely, 'for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
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Kindle
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Palm Reading for Beginners: Your Future Revealed in the Palm of Your Hands
Mass Murderers Horrific Cases of Rampage Killings that Stunned the World
Muffin
Call of the Wild
Tubman
Mary Lincoln
Greek
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Wednesday, September 16, 2020
Style of punctuation
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An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony
- Jill Thomas Doyle
Jokes and stuff
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Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away.
Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses,
what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
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“I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.”
― Steven Wright
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How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
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When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
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A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
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Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
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I had a hen that could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
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A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seat belt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
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What do you find in the middle of dinosaurs?
The letter ‘S’!
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"Everything happens for a reason, but that doesn't mean there's a point."
— Sue Grafton (C is for Corpse)
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An expert farmer is outstanding in his field.
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What's the longest piece of furniture in the world?
The multiplication table.
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What's the biggest room in the world?
The room for improvement.
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Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
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A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.
Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!”
“Well, it’s used and I got a good deal” says the boy, “This one cost me 20 dollars.”
“Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!”
“The woman up the street,” the boy replies. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in.
She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.”
The boy’s dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard.
“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you!”
“Well,” the woman says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?” The boy’s mom asks, utterly perplexed.
The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.
So I did...
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Kindle
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The Ethics of Cybersecurity (The International Library of Ethics, Law and Technology Book 21)
The Confederate (Ambrose Western Saga Book 1)
Monte Carlo Simulation: The Art of Random Process Characterization
Americana A Civics Handbook: Second Edition
Patent Pending and Death (Fleming Investigations Cozy Mysteries Book 1)
The French Diplomat Affair: A 1920's Historical Murder Mystery (Kit Aston Mystery 3)
101 Games To Play Whilst Socially Distancing
Walden, Walking & Civil Disobedience
Anatomy flashcards: Terminology
Anatomy flashcards: First look at bones
Anatomy flashcards: Shoulder and arm
Other anatomy flashcards:
Sufi
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