Jokes and stuff

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What did the dog say when it sat on a fallen tree? 

Bark! 

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What do frogs and toads love to listen to? 

Hip hop!

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Saying gravity is an attractive force between two bodies is like saying an earthquake is some dishes rattling in the cupboard.

From "The Idiot's Guide to String Theory"

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“I've always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments.” 

― John Barrowman

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“I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.” 

― Ronald Reagan

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“One of the world's most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer "a deck of cards" or "Anna Karenina" when the obvious answer is "a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want.” 

― Lemony Snicket

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“The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.” 

― George Bernard Shaw

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“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”

― Lily Tomlin

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What kind of tree do fingers grow on?

A palm tree.

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This duck walks into a drug store and asks for Chapstick. 

"Four bucks," says the clerk. 

"Put it on my bill," replies the duck.

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Why isn't whispering permitted in class? 

Because it's not aloud.

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They arrested the bartender for taking liquor home. I believe the official charge was "emboozlement."

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Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

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What happens to illegally parked frogs? They get toad away.

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Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

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It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.

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“The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for some time in silence: at last the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth, and addressed her in a languid, sleepy voice.

'Who are you?' said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I — I hardly know, sir, just at present — at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. 'Explain yourself!'

'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself, you see.'

'I don't see,' said the Caterpillar.

'I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly,' Alice replied very politely, 'for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

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