Jokes and stuff

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(*_*) - Making Friends the Facebook Way

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore every day, I go down on the street and tell the passers by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done or where we had dinner the night before, and what I will be doing today

I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me doing some gardening and spending time by my pool.

I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them, and it works :

I already have 3 people following me: 2 Police Officers and a Psychiatrist.

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When Einstein got married, his wife told him, "I need two things from you, time and space", to which Einstein replied, "What's the other thing?"

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What do batman and sixteen sodiums have in common? Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na.

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There's a party and all the smooth functions are invited. At the party, e^(x) stays in a corner away from everyone else. e^(2x) goes to e^(x) and says, "Come integrate with everyone else" but e^(x) only cries, "It won't make a difference!"

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So a man had sodium chloride and a 9 volt in his car. A cop pulled him over, searched him,  and charged him with a salt and battery.

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Gold asks Zinc out on a date but Zinc says "Sorry, I'm Zn someone else" 

Gold replies "Awww!"

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How many ears does Spock have? Three - a right ear, a left ear, and a final front ear.

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb ?

Only one, but the bulb has to WANT to change.

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Helium walks into a bar,

Bartender says we don't serve noble gases here,

Helium doesn't react, then starts to laugh.

He    He    He

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Two guys stole a calendar.... they each got 6 months.

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What do you call a fish in it's first stage?

A beta.

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Why wouldn't Oedipus swear?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

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Did you hear about the scientist who read a book about helium? He couldn't put it down.

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A photon checks into a hotel. The clerk says, "Do you need help with any luggage?" The photon says, "I don't have any. I'm traveling light.

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How many Hogwarts Students does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

A Gryffindor to volunteer to climb a ladder and change it. A Slytherin to try and knock him off the ladder. A Hufflepuff to scold the Slytherin and make sure the ladder stays sturdy and a Ravenclaw to point out they could have just used a spell.

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Why did the cookie go the doctor?

Because he was feeling crummy.

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What do you call a measuring cup that just finished school?

A graduated cylinder.

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Sodium went to a pool party and it really blew up from there.

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A neutrino walks into a bar. 

The bartender says, " We don´t serve neutrinos." 

The neutrino shrugs and replies: "That's OK. I was just passing through anyway."

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