Jokes and stuff

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Yogi Berra Quotes

 "Yogi-isms" 

"80 percent of the balls that don't reach the hole, don't go in." - on golf

"The wind always seems to blow against catchers when they are running."

"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."

"It's like deja vu all over again."

"I usually take a two-hour nap, from one o'clock to four."

"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's going to stop them."

"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"

"I didn't really say everthing I said."

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going because you might not get there."

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."

"Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded."

"I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house."

"Little League Baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets."

"It gets late early out there."

"He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious."

"I don't know. They had bags over their heads." - when asked if the fans that ran naked on the field were men or women

Asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded his expectations this season: "I'd say he's done more than that."

On the aquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson: "He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light."

"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."

"The game isn't over until it's over."

"You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours."

When told by the New York mayor's wife that he looked cool in his new summer suit, Yogi said, "You don't look so hot yourself."

"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

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Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. 

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

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What do you call a prehistoric ghost? 

A terror-dactyl! 

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What did the math book say to the science book? 

I've got problems!

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What did the pencil say to the eraser?

Take me to your ruler.

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Is the glass half empty or half full?

Full -

1/2 water 1/2 air.

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I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.

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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

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I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

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Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

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