Jokes and stuff

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The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

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A lawyer and two friends - a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man - had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." 

With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. 

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer. 

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. 

There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. 

The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. 

In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. 

Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. 

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

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“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.” 

― Steven Wright

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“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.”

― Winston Churchill

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“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.”

― Dr. Seuss

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“I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.” 

― Rudyard Kipling

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Who runs the Keebler elves' answering service?

The Tree-ceptionist.

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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

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What time is it when it is time to go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty. (2:30)

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Jumbo was most likely originally the word for "elephant" in a west African language. It took on the meaning of "large" when an elephant in London zoo was named Jumbo in 1860

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I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.

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He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

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“She who saves a single soul, saves the universe.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

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“You must admit I have a right to live in a pigsty if I want.” 

― Diana Wynne Jones

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