Jokes and stuff

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A Cowboy Named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man prepares to put it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Wait a minute, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

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Who was the smartest skeleton?

Sherlock Bones

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Joe went to the doctor and complained, "Every time I drink hot chocolate I get a stabbing pain in my eye!"

The doctor said "Hmmmm, try taking take the spoon out."

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If you crossed with a radio with a fridge you would have cool music.

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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Follow the fresh prince.

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“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”

― Robert Benchley

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“Some people see things that are and ask, Why?

Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?

Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”

― George Carlin

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“In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.”

― Terry Pratchett

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A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer .......................... and some of those peanuts."

The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

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A pet store had a beautiful bird contest with no perches necessary.

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The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

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Our social studies teacher says that her globe means the world to her.

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