Jokes and stuff

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What did the farmer say when he lost his sheep?

Where’s my sheep?

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There's no i in denial.

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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

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Guess who I saw yesterday?

Everyone I looked at

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Pupil: How did you know I copied from Johnny? 

Teacher: For question 12 he wrote, "Don't know" and you wrote, "Me neither"! 

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What did the dog say when it sat on some bark? 

Ruff!

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“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” 

― Lily Tomlin

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“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

― Groucho Marx

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“When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.”

― Winston Churchill

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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” 

― George Carlin

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“I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.” 

― Bill Watterson

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Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

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Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

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Why don't sharks eat divorce lawyers? Professional courtesy.

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Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

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Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

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A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher. 

'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'

The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'

The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'

The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.'

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