Jokes of the day

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If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. 

 ~Jay Leno~ 

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. 

 ~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office 

 ~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. 

 ~Will Rogers~ 

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. 

 ~Nikita Khrushchev~ 

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. 

 ~Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. 

 ~Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. 

 ~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. 

 ~Oscar Ameringer~ 

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

 ~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~ 

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. 

 ~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians 

 ~Charles de Gaulle~ 

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. 

 ~Doug Larson~

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Knock knock

Who's there?

Hakeem

Hakeem who?

Hakeem in like a wreeeeeeeeeecking ball!!!

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Why was Cinderella kicked off the basket ball team?

She ran away from the ball.

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2: Knock knock.

1: Who's there?

2: Doctor

1: Doctor who?

2: (◐‿◑)

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Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 had cold evil eyes.

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Why do chemistry professors teach about ammonia?

Because it's basic material.

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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it flies?

Because they're EXTINCT

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What do you call a dissenting group of horses?

Neigh-sayers.

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Remember, when making a French omelet, one egg is un oeuf!

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There's a spider on my keyboard!

Ok, now it's under control.

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I would tell you a periodic table joke but they Argon.

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Have you heard about the movie "Constipated"? 

Well, I haven't seen it cause it hasn't come out yet!

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How many lips do flowers have?

Two-lips (tulips)

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I had a fear of speed bumps, but I slowly got over it.

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What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?

Barackoli

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When I found out my toaster wasn't water proof I was shocked!

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I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.

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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

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What must you know to be an auctioneer?

Lots.

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I don't have any solutions but I certainly admire the problem."

-- Ashleigh Brilliant

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