Jokes and stuff

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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. 

The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." 

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. 

That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman. 

She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

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“If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.” 

― Dave Barry

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“With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.” 

― Jarod Kintz

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“A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.”

― Johnny Depp

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“Laughter is carbonated holiness.”

― Anne Lamott

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Q: Why don't you do math in the jungle?

A: Because if you add 4+4 you get ate!

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Q: Where do math teachers go on vacation?

A: To Times Square.

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Q. How do you catch a squirrel?

A. Climb into a tree and act like a nut.

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“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."

"I don't much care where –"

"Then it doesn't matter which way you go.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

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