Jokes and stuff

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Two robins were sitting in a tree. 

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." 

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. 

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. 

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. 

"O K," said the first. 

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a birdwatching group came by.

The group leader halted and pointed the birds out, saying in a hushed voice, "And here we have the rare basking robins."

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“The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.” 

― Neil Gaiman

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“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” 

― Groucho Marx

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“Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.” 

― Jarod Kintz,

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“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?

There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” 

― Drew Carey

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“Just remember, when you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.” 

― Charles M. Schulz

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Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fungi.

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Why did he leave the party?

Because there wasn't mushroom.

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He was so poor the ducks threw bread at him.

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He was so fat his shirt said "I can't fit you."

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Q. What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?

A. "Where's pop corn?"

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Q. How do you get a mouse to smile?

A. Say cheese!!...

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There was an older couple that went to the doctor together. 

The husband went in first and told  the doctor "I'm worried about my wife. I think she's loosing her hearing, but I don't want to get her upset about it. What can I do to find out how bad her hearing is?" 

The doctor said "Well, when you go home ask her something from a distance. Find out if she can hear you. Get a little bit closer, ask her again, see if she can hear you. And then let me know how close you have to be to her for her to finally hear you and then I can determine how bad her hearing is." 

That evening they were home and the wife was in the kitchen cooking  dinner. 

The husband stood in the living room and asks  "Honey, what's for dinner?" 

No reaction, she's still cooking. 

He gets a little bit closer, "Honey, what's for dinner?" 

Still no reaction. 

He gets to the kitchen doorway. He asks her again, in a louder voice this time. "Honey, what's for dinner?" 

Still, no reaction. 

He comes up right behind her and says again. "Honey, what's for dinner?" 

She turns around and says, "For heavens sake! Meatloaf, green beans and boiled potatoes, I told you four times already!"

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