Sookie's Birthday Surprise: July 2017

Monday, July 31, 2017

Jokes of the Day ....

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What did the snake say when the teacher asked him a question?

Don't asp me!
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What’s the name for a group of lions taking it in turns to use a copy machine?
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Copy cats!
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"Live in the present, remember the past, and fear not the future, for it doesn't exist and never shall. There is only now."
— Christopher Paolini
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“Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Airman's Odyssey
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"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
— Dr. Seuss
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A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

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Sunday, July 30, 2017

Joke of the Day ...

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(

) - Pay Attention To These Signs - You Might Be Getting Older
You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You begin every other sentence with, 'Nowadays...'...
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You know what the word 'equity' means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You talk about 'good grass' and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for The Weather Channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

Friday, July 28, 2017

B&N Free Friday Selection

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Free Friday B&N Selection

The Edge of Light
(At Home in Beldon Grove Series #1)

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/edge-of-light-ann-shorey/1100375936?ean=9781441203632

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Free Books July 28, 2017 ....

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Summer Rerun ...

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Many of these books are still free! This is a list from 2016.

http://turningkey.blogspot.com/2016/03/free-friday-nook-books_17.html

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Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Joke of the Day...

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Frostbite

A couple of new guys for a construction company drove the company pickup truck into a lumberyard.

The youngest of the two walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

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Monday, July 24, 2017

Joke of the Day ....

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A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook".

The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out.

A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook".

Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head. Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook".

The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it. The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank.

There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "read-it, read-it, read-it".
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Sunday, July 23, 2017

Joke of the Day ...

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(

) - Outhouse

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.

He felt resentful because many of his friends in school had indoor plumbing with flush toilets. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
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One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him he was grounded for the next year and his list of chores was going to be doubled. The boy was shocked and asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

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Saturday, July 22, 2017

Joke of the Day ...

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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me.

When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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Friday, July 21, 2017

B&N FREE FRIDAY ...

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B&N Free Friday Selection

Heat of the Moment
(Moment of Truth Series #1)

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/heat-of-the-moment-lauren-barnholdt/1120159630?ean=9780062321404

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Free Books July 21, 2017..

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Jokes of the Day ...

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What is the difference between a horse and a duck?
One goes quick and the other goes quack!
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What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little hoarse.
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What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
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What do you give a sick horse?
Cough stirrup.
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Why do cowboys ride horses?
Because they're too heavy to carry!
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What did the horse say when it fell?
"I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"
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Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Summer Rerun ...

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Many of the books on this earlier list are still free:

http://turningkey.blogspot.com/2016/03/free-friday-nook-books_11.html

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Joke of the Day ...

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Ƹ*_*Ʒ. Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. As she suspected it would be, the million- dollar question was no pushover.

It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it

A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be an airhead. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The flakey friend responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a dim bulb, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand -- the woman had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."

Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is-...... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the woman who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way......how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on!" said the spacey gal. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

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Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Joke of the Day ...

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Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

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Saturday, July 15, 2017

Jokes of the Day ...

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What did the buffalo say to his child on the first day of school?

Bi-son!
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How do you stop a skunk from smelling?
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Give it a nose plug!

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Friday, July 14, 2017

B&N Free Friday Selection

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Down in New Orleans

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/readouts/down-in-new-orleans/

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Thursday, July 13, 2017

Free Books July 14, 2017

Sookie's Birthday Surprise

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Monday, July 31, 2017

Jokes of the Day ....

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Joke of the Day ...

Friday, July 28, 2017

B&N Free Friday Selection

Free Books July 28, 2017 ....

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Summer Rerun ...

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Joke of the Day...

Monday, July 24, 2017

Joke of the Day ....

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Joke of the Day ...

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Joke of the Day ...

Friday, July 21, 2017

B&N FREE FRIDAY ...

Free Books July 21, 2017..

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Jokes of the Day ...

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Summer Rerun ...

Joke of the Day ...

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Joke of the Day ...

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Jokes of the Day ...

Friday, July 14, 2017

B&N Free Friday Selection

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Free Books July 14, 2017